Public Humiliation RER

When you comment, please be sure to leave your FULL NAME and CLASS PERIOD!!

Postings are due by Thursday at midnight.

5. Find your two weakest sentences. Post them to our class website under “PH RER” and identify what you think makes them weak.
• Respond to and rewrite—or give suggestions for—two weak sentences posted online. How could these sentences be improved?
• Based on your peers’ feedback, rewrite your two weakest sentences. Explain how you revised them and why you chose that method. (Revised sentences go on pubhumyour RER, not online.)

Advertisements

58 thoughts on “Public Humiliation RER

  1. Here are my two weakest sentences:( with reasons why i think they are weak)
    1. ” When a sin is voiced in the public it not only embarrasses the doer, that would be of no use.”
    I think this is bad because it doesn’t fit my thesis ,( that PH is good)the following sentences in the paragraph do, but this causes slight confusion
    2. “The showing of shame makes them scared to ever sin again after seeing what could become of them.”
    I think this sentence is weak because its is a little vague, i lack specific subject of the CD i am talking about. (talking about kids getting hands hit with rulers back in the little ol’ days)
    Max Gregory
    Period 4
    max.g.greory@gmail

    • Max,
      I think that your first sentence has a well developed thought, you just came at it from the wrong direction. Rephrasing the idea to clear up confusion (and to help support your thesis) might look something like this: Public humiliation works because embarrassment is not the primary outcome. (add a follow up sentence perhaps demonstrating what good comes of it…)
      I’m not sure if that fits in your context but I feel that it now has a more positive or building connotation.

      Sentence #2:
      Slight rephrase: Physical punishment associates sin with pain and fear in the child’s mind, thus making them reluctant to disobey or sin a second time.

      Hope I helped a little! 🙂
      Mackenzie Hunsaker
      Period:4

  2. My two weakest sentences:
    Someone can feel pain from humiliation,
    I think that this sentence is weak because it is mostly a declarative sentence and there is no transition to bring in my next body paragraph.

    People would not want to be a part of society.
    I think that sentence is weak because this is a sentence fragment and introduces my conclusion.

    My thesis saying PH is bad.

    Lindsay Norstrom
    Period 4

    • I think that your second sentence could be improved if you added more commentary to it. Maybe stating the significance or why they wouldn’t want to be part of the society
      🙂

    • I think your first sentence can be strengthened with more detail. Instead of “someone can feel pain,” you could say “The pain from humiliation is excruciating to a person’s mind.” Hopefully then you could find a way to link it to your next body paragraph.
      In your second sentence I agree with Diana and Korissa, but you could also use some imagery. Maybe “People would turn away from a society that purposefully hurts them” then elaborate on it.
      Sabrina Wilk period 5

    • Lindsay,
      For your first sentence, I would change the word order, and add something to the end to help set up a transition. For example, “Humiliation can cause people to feel pain; a situation in which this would be likely is…”

      For your second sentence, I would just elaborate by giving reasons why people would not want to be a part of society. This would solve the fragment problem and the sentence would serve as a stronger introduction to your conclusion.

  3. My two weak sentences were:
    1)Public humility however, is not a newly developed source of humility and punishment. (humility is slightly redundant)
    2)This is why it is so effective. (vague antecedents)
    Mackenzie Hunsaker
    Period: 4

      • Mackenzie,
        Here is what I think you can do for your first sentence:
        I think instead of saying “humility” twice, you could change one into a stronger word choice or you could get ride of “humility and”. So your sentence would be something like this:
        Public Humility, however, is not a newly developed source of punishment.

        Here is what I think for your second sentence:
        I think you need to elaborate more on what the “it” is and what makes the “it” so effective.

  4. My two weakest sentences:
    1) ” It would make people stronger in knowing what they did and accepting it like hester did”
    I think my that sentence was very weak because of all the “its” that I included and was not specific enough.I also did not capitalize Hester’s name.
    2) ” In today’s society people sin and feel quilt but if there was public humiliations it would help people grow from their sin like Hester grew from hers”
    I think the second sentence is weak because of how much it ran on. The sentence length was 27 words which is getting pretty long.
    Diana Garibay
    Period 4

    • I think your first sentence can be revised by saying something along the lines of “A person can grow stronger if they are aware of their sins and can make peace with it.”
      For your second sentence, I think you can say “It would benefit today’s society if we publicly humiliated so we can confront our sins and then move on, like Hester.”

      Kimry Roberts
      Period 4

  5. Diana, Here are my suggestions for your sentences:(btw i agree with your self-analysis for both sentences)
    1. Maybe revise the wording and word order: “Hester embodies the idea that the revelation of sin forces one to become a better person.” I think it flows better verbally and clears slight confusion
    2. This sentence is a little similar to sentence #1 so maybe you could look at the subclaim in this body paragraph and incorporate that message to synthesize a more concise explanation of the overall paragraph.
    Max Gregory
    Period 4
    max.g.gregory@gmail.com

  6. My two weakest sentences:
    1) “In the novel The Scarlet Letter, written by Nathanial Hawthorne, Hawthorne describes in great detail what public humiliation can do to one.”
    -I think that the diction at the end of my sentence makes the sentence awkward sounding.
    2) “If children see public humiliation they will not want to do that sin for the fear of public humiliation.”
    -I think that this sentence sounds very redundant and doesn’t really have a purpose.

    Korissa Bartok
    Period 4

    • Korissa,
      1. Maybe you could change the sentence to ” in the novel the Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne describes in great detail the powerful effects that public humiliation has on people.” This might clean the confusion if you take out “written by” and change the diction.

      2. For number 2, I would make the statement more general. Like say “if people view someone being humiliated, then we live in fear of public humiliation” or ” if people see someone else being humiliation, then they become reluctant to sin due to the fear of public humiliation.
      -Alivia Nichols
      Period 5

  7. This is my first weak sentence:
    1. “Through Hester’s embarrassment, the many times women and men alike scorned and gossiped about her, as when she first emerged from the church with her newly-adorned scarlet letter, she has somehow prevailed over guilt.”
    I didn’t get my point across very well. I mixed my idea with my example–Hester prevailing over guilt should have been separate from the people gossiping about her. It would have been clearer in two sentences. Sabrina Wilk period 5

    2.

    • Sentence One: I think splitting the sentence and ideas would definitely be stronger. However, (I’m not sure if this is right) but I think this counts as concrete detail. So the problem with splitting it is that you would need double the commentary because you have TWO CD sentences. So, I would suggest saying something like “As Hester displayed her sin for the world to see, men and women alike scorned and gossiped about her, yet she has somehow prevailed over guilt.” I think just cutting out some of the sentence is the best way to go without doubling your commentary.

  8. This is my second weak sentence:
    2. “In modern times, it would work better than jail or torture or our modern punishments.”
    I think what this sentence mainly needs is more commentary after it, but it could be worded a lot better. I used “or” too many times and repeated modern.
    Sabrina Wilk
    period 5

    • The use of public humiliation would be a much more prevailing form of punishment than even jails, torture, or other modern chastisements.” I think that diction could just be strengthened and if you take out the “ors” and add commas, it’s a lot stronger.

  9. My two weakest sentences:
    1. “It was revealed in the book that he had his own Scarlett ‘A’ on his chest, the cause of it is unknown though self-harm or demonic ways are to question.” I think my sentence was weak because I said “it” a lot and I could have given more detail to what I was referring to.
    2. “In the Scarlett Letter Hester Prynne sinned adultery.” The way I worded this sentence made it sound awkward.

    Kimry Roberts
    Period 4

    • Kimry,
      For your first sentence, I’m assuming when you say you need more detail for what you’re referring to, you mean the letter on Dimmesdale’s chest. I would rephrase it like this: “In the novel, Dimmesdale revealed his own scarlet ‘A’ on his chest, and although the letter’s cause is unknown, self-harm and demonic ways are possibilities.” This also fits with the Rule of 25, weighing in at exactly 25 words.

      The second sentence is an easy fix. Simply change it to, “In The Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne committed adultery.” This makes the sentence less awkward by using a different verb.

      Rachel Anderson
      Period 5

  10. My two weak sentences:
    1. “When a sin remains a secret, nothing good happens.”
    I think this sentence was supposed to be a conclusion to my first body paragraph, but I kind of feel like it’s just flat–nothing interesting, and barely worth reading.

    2. “A sinner confesses to their priest what they have done, and the priest allows them forgiveness.”
    This sentence is my CD about Catholic confessions. I don’t know exactly what it is that’s bothering me about this sentence, I just don’t like it.

    • Rachel,
      1. I agree that the sentence is a bit boring. I think that by changing the syntax, you can make the sentence more interesting. “Nothing good ever comes out of withholding the secret of a sin”.
      2. I think that the ordering and wording of the sentence makes the clauses seem separated. It also sounded a little repetitive with “the priest”. Maybe you could try, “When a sinner admits their sins in confessional, their priest allows them forgiveness”
      Hope this helped! (If you’re still awake)

      Shayna Snyder
      Period 5

  11. My two weakest sentences-
    1. ” The use of public humiliation is not necessary in today’s society because it causes depression and people should be able to decide whether they want to be humiliated”
    This sentence is weak and very confusing. I’m trying to say- that people should have the choice to be humiliated or not- if they want to relieve their guilt. This sentence needs to be clearer.

    2. “Some people cannot stand to live with their sin pressed heavily on their chest, while others want to keep sin to themselves”
    This sentence is lacking strong diction and the syntax is weak. This sentence is really confusing and doesn’t make any sense.

    Alivia Nichols
    Period 5

    • Alivia, I really like your ideas. However, I agree with you on the awkwardness of this first sentence. I think that you have two different ideas stuck together in one sentence. So my suggestion would be to split it into two separate sentences. “The use of public humiliation is not necessary in today’s society”. This makes your declarative, in a good way! Short, but it will get your point across. Then continue with the rest of your idea “This form of punishment should be a choice made by the sinner, to hide, or reveal their sin”. Now the two ideas flow better together.

      For your second sentence I understand what you are trying to say and I agree with you on the diction. So maybe reorder the syntax of your sentence and beef it up with some strong diction. “There are two extremely different ways of coping with sin, one can allow the sin to weigh on their heart until it ceases to beat. Or one can free themselves of this sin and remove the weight on their chest by choice”.

      I hope I helped, I love your ideas!

      Rebeka Matthews 5th Period

  12. Sentence 1: “Right and wrong are hard decisions” Okay, I loathe this sentence. I think it is weak because my diction sucks, and it is a very short sentence that doesn’t seem to get my point across very well.

    Sentence 2: “Public humiliation is not necessary because it can be confused as encouragement” I think that this sentence is weak because I wrote this exact sentence at the beginning and end of the same paragraph. I was trying to figure out a way to rephrase it.

    Rebeka Matthews 5th Period

    • Beka,
      For the first sentence you could say “Deciding between right and wrong can be difficult”, which makes it sound a little bit better by improving the diction a little, switching word order, and making it a little bit longer.

      I’m not sure about the second sentence, but maybe it could be revised as “Public humiliation is often unnecessary because of how it can be confused with encouragement”.
      Ethan Moore
      Period 5

  13. My 2 weakest sentences:
    “If only for some good old public humiliation, he could have gotten over his angst”. I feel like this sentence lacks good diction and just honestly sounds like a 5 year old wrote it. I could use a nice word to replace “good old”!!

    Sentence 2: “Sometimes, if not for the help of my friends, I would never confront someone about a problem because I am too proud”. I feel like this sentence is too informal, even though it is a personal concrete detail. I think better syntax and diction would make it more formal.
    Ashley Hailey, 5th period

    • Rachel,
      I understand the reason for your “uninteresting” sentence, lol. (Are we allowed to say that on here??) Sometimes when under writing pressure it’s difficult to get the point across while remaining interesting. I would suggest juicying up the diction. “When a sin remains a secret, guilt, anxiety, and regret can surface”. Give some reasons why it’s not good.

      On your second sentence, I think the sentence would flow better if it was reworded. “When a person who has committed sin admits their wrongs to a priest, the priest will grant them forgiveness”.
      Ashley Hailey, 5th per

    • Sentence One: His angst could have been eradicated/extinguished/annihilated if he had been publically humiliated.” This still isn’t very strong, but it’s late and quite honestly, I don’t really like you enough to put too much effort into helping. Anyways, I think “good old” should be taken out and you could increase diction with the words I suggested. Also, the word order could be rearranged.
      Sentence Two: I think getting rid of sometimes and rearranging your word order would be helpful. If you said like “If not for the help of my friends, my pride would prevent me from confronting someone about a problem.” I think making proud a noun strengthens the sentence and rearranging the words does also. You could replace problem with a better word too, like “issue” or something EVEN better, depending on what specifically you’re talking about.

  14. Sentence 1:”This sort of public humiliation is perfect because if someone is getting looked down on by everyone, they will want to work to become better and redeem themselves in the eyes of their peers.” This sounds awkward, has poor diction, and is much too long. It’s also the last sentence of my paragraph, so it doesn’t really make much sense and I needed to add CM after it.

    Sentence 2: “Because of this humiliation, most kids never broke a rule again” This was the least sentence of a paragraph as well, and I just feel like it sounds really weak and could be said a lot better.

    Ethan Moore
    Period 5

    • Sentence One: I think you just need to change your word order a little and increase diction. I changed the first part to avoid “This sort” and also got rid of “perfect” because they seem like weak word and phrases to me. Also, to make it shorter and stronger you could shorten “work to become better and redeem themselves in the eyes of their peers” to simply “strive to improve”. “Such a form of public humiliation is ideal- when looked down upon by peers, people will strive to improve in the eyes of their peers.”

      Sentence Two: It’s sort of hard to revise when I don’t know what your paragraph was about, but first I think “because” is a weak way to start a sentence, so I think as a result of would be a better substitute. Also increasing diction (which I did terrible at helping with because I can’t think of an awesome word for breaking the law). Lastly, instead of “most kids never broke a law again” I think you could replace it with something a bit stronger. (never dared to…) “As a result of this humiliation, children never dared to break a rule/rebel/revolt again.”

      Phoenix Roe
      P4

    • For sentence two I don’t think you should start your sentence with “because”. Maybe start off with something like, “Public humiliation is effective, because of this most children never break any other rules.

      Or something along those lines lol.
      Hope I helped!

      -Megan Good
      p4

    • Ethan, for your second sentence, you shouldn’t start with the word “because” which is a conjunction and when it is used at the beggining of a sentence, it seems likeyou put a random period somewhere. You could say “Public humiliation makes most kids follow rules because they do not want to be made fun of by their peers. These kids may never break that rule again out of fear.”

  15. Sentence 1: “There are much more effective ways than public humiliation to free one from sin” This sentence is weak. The prepositional phrase is placed awkwardly. It could also use some stronger diction.

    Sentence 2: “She was not emotionally ready for the humiliation, which led to her committing suicide” The dependent clause sounds awful. The clause should be moved or the verb tense should be changed somehow.

    Shayna Snyder
    Period 5

    • Sentence One: “There is a vast amount of ways to free one from sin, and public humiliation is the least effective of them.” I think you should just rearrange your word order slightly. Also, the “much more effective ways” part sounds weird out loud, so I would eliminate that.
      Sentence Two: “As she was not emotionally ready for the humiliation, (name or she) was forced to commit suicide.” I don’t like how I ended that, but I just CANNOT THINK OF THE WORD I’m looking for. It’s something like resided or ended up, like she ended up committing suicide, but a stronger word is on the tip of my tounge. Anyways, I think to make this sentence more effective would be to make a dependent clause come before the independent clause, because that always sounds better to me. So I made your first clause dependent instead of independent, and tried to strengthen the second clause.
      Phoenix Roe

  16. Phoenix Roe
    P4
    Sentence One: “In Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter, Hester must be publically humiliated her entire life for her sin, but that punishment is not nearly as effective as Dimmesdale hiding his sin from the world, because in the end Hester is happy and Dimmesdale is depressed.”
    This sentence is too long, weak, lacks strong diction, and is just gangly and boring.

    Sentence Two: “Public humiliation would not be an effective punishment in today’s society, because sin is already portrayed falsely through the media in attempt to embarrass, it cannot by determined what is greater sin when there are so many different opinions on it, and hidden sin results in more punishing suffering than in confession.”
    Yeah. That’s an entire sentence. It’s the beginning of my conclusion, so I was very rushed and it’s incredibly weak. I need help knowing how to restate the thesis without it getting too long and gangly.

    • So, I never got a response or feedback, so I will try to fix them on my own.
      Sentence One: “In Hawthorne’s the Scarlet Letter, Dimmesdale hides his sin and is depressed his whole life, while Hester displays her sin and is much more happy than Dimmesdale.” I HATE THIS SENTENCE. I can’t really fix it without help. I think it’s stronger than my last one because it’s shorter and more direct, but has terrible diction and syntax. I still need help.

      Sentence Two: I think that this would be stronger if not all one sentence. I could say “Public humiliation would be incompetent in today’s society.” Then I could go on to restate my main points in a separate sentence. I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad idea. It seems better to me because it makes my sentences shorter, but still just isn’t strong and lacks transition, but DOES have better diction. I used the word effective so many times in this essay, incompetent is much stronger.

  17. Megan Good
    p4

    Sentence One: “When Dimmesdale grows ill it is because no one, besides Hester, knows about his sin, he cannot get punished for it.
    -I think this is a weak sentence because if sounds really choppy. This doesn’t help my essay at all. It’s useless and not needed. It makes my essay weaker.

    Sentence Two: “Being publically humiliated for your sins teaches you a lesson on to never repeat your sins or commit another one.”
    -I think this is a weak sentence because it doesn’t use third person writing when this is suppose to be a formal essay. It’s gangly towards the end. It’s also very choppy.

    • Sentence One: “Due to the oblivion of his sin, Dimmesdale grows ill and is not able to be punished for it.” I don’t like the ending of this revision, but it’s hard because I’m not entirely sure what your paragraph was argueing so it’s hard to rewrite haha. But an increase in diction would be helpful, and there’s a lot of commas and clauses that kind of make it messy, so I changed it to just two clauses.
      Sentence Two: I think the use of “your” takes away the strength from your sentence. If you were to say “When one is publically humiliated…” it would work a lot better. “When one is publically humiliated, it is ensured that sin shall never be repeated” or something like that. I still don’ t really like that ending, but it’s an improvement because it’s shorter.
      Phoenix Roe

    • Megan, your first sentence could be “Dimmesdale becomes very ill. This is because no one, except Hester, knows about his sin. Therefore, he cannot be punished for it and cannot become the saint everyone knows him to be.”

  18. Sentence One: “Due to the oblivion of his sin, Dimmesdale grows ill and is not able to be punished for it.” I don’t like the ending of this revision, but it’s hard because I’m not entirely sure what your paragraph was argueing so it’s hard to rewrite haha. But an increase in diction would be helpful, and there’s a lot of commas and clauses that kind of make it messy, so I changed it to just two clauses.
    Sentence Two: I think the use of “your” takes away the strength from your sentence. If you were to say “When one is publically humiliated…” it would work a lot better. “When one is publically humiliated, it is ensured that sin shall never be repeated” or something like that. I still don’ t really like that ending, but it’s an improvement because it’s shorter.
    Phoenix Roe

  19. Here are my two weakest sentences and why they are weak..
    1) When someone is publicly humiliated they are, of course, embarrassed, but that is much better than having to hide your secret all the time.
    -I think this is a weak sentence because to me it sounds choppy. This sentence lacks good diction/word choice.
    2) This means even if we do not suspect it some people are bad.
    -Once again, I feel like I have horrible diction or word choice in this sentence.

    ~Katelyn Berrey 5th period.

    • Sentence One: Although embarrassing, public humiliation is superior to one’s need to hide their secrets for eternity.
      I think that you could just rearrange your words, like how I started with although embarrassing. Also, I think the use of so many commas weakens the essay and makes it sound choppy, so using just one makes it stronger. Lastly, an increase in diction, especially with the word better, helps.

      Sentence Two: “Even if unsuspected, people may contain the deepest sin that one could not even imagine.” I think it’s stronger if you start with a dependent clause, and instead of saying people are “bad”, it’s better diction and more persuasive to say they contain deep sin (or something along those lines).

    • For the first sentence, you could say something like “Public humiliation obviously creates embarrassment, but some might argue that embarrassment is better than the guilt of keeping a colossal secret.
      This fixes the choppiness, and most of the diction.
      For the second sentence, you could improve the diction by saying “This demonstrates how people can unexpectedly be evil.”

  20. 1. “Public humiliation, although not nearly severe as in Puritan lifestyle, is necessary today.” This sentence is weak because it does not have a purpose and the diction makes it informal.
    2. “Public humiliation saves people because it keeps them aware of their actions while giving them a chance to let go of their guilt and regrets and know that they were punished and it is over with.”
    This sentence is vague, it contradicts itself, and it is a run on.

    Amy Schols
    Period 5

  21. Weak sentence #1: “I knew that in order to avoid the feeling of guilt I just needed to not commit the act again that made me feel guilty.”

    I don’t think that this is a strong sentence because I feel like it could be worded better. I don’t like how “…needed to not commit…” sounds. I also feel as if the word order is awkward.

    Weak sentence #2: There are many more ways to rid oneself of sin than the examples given and public humiliation is not a necessary option or the best one.”

    I think this is a weak sentence because it doesn’t flow smoothly; my thoughts sound disconnected.

    Rachel Marsh
    5th period

    • I think your first sentence does need rewording. You could try:

      “I knew that in order to avoid the feeling of guilt that came from acting in a way I felt was wrong, all I would have to do was refrain from acting that way.”

      To connect your thoughts better in your first sentence, you could say:

      “While public humiliation does rid oneself of sin, there are innumerous ways that are better; making public humiliation an unnecessary option.”

      Karlie Lodjic
      5th Period

  22. #1 Weak sentence: “This can be used not only with those that break the law, but with anyone who does wrong.”

    I don’t think “not only” fits very well in that part of my sentence and the end of my sentence sounds like it should have more words.

    #2 Weak sentence: “Public humiliation is a good form of punishment and one that is important to remember when considering one’s punishment.”

    This was a topic sentence, so it’s kind of general, but I dislike my diction. I also don’t like using words twice in the same sentence.

    Karlie Lodjic
    Period 5

    • I think that if you rewording your first sentence may help. One idea is:
      “Public humiliation should not only be reserved for those who break the law, but it should also be used on those who act immorally.”

      For your second sentence, I feel that increasing the diction level and a little change in words can do the trick. One possibility is:
      “Public humiliation is a superior form of punishment and is important to remember when considering one’s penalty.”

      Alec Solemslie
      Period 5

  23. 1. “Dimmesdale died from his secret sin, but Hester grew and bloomed.”

    The second part of this sentence does not flow. I feel that it gives an empty feeling and needs to be continued.

    2. “Cloaked in evil, sin becomes almost every action in the lives of humans.”

    This sentence makes me feel like a alien analyzing humanity. The alienation makes the sentence lose its meaning.

    Alec Solemslie
    Period 5

    • I agree with you Alec. If you continued the sentence on then you would be able to explain the meaning behind the sentence.

      I think that your claim is solid, but you need to reword your sentence to make it stronger. Say it as if the same thing has happened to someone you know.

      Cory Peterson
      Period 5

  24. 1. “After seven years of having committed that sin, Hester feels good about herself, while Dimmesdale feels guiltier and guiltier.”

    I feel that the beginning of this sentence doesn’t flow with the rest of my essay. I feel that it is lacking a transition.

    2. “However, some good did come from this experience.”

    I feel that the main point of the sentence is good, but I am lacking the word choice and correct phrasing to make the sentence stronger.

    Cory Peterson
    Period 5

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s