Summer Assignment RER

RER Summer Assignment

Hit the Comment icon to begin a new thread. To comment on someone else’s thread, hit “reply” at the bottom of their post.

Make sure to leave your full name and period number on all posts/responses!!

Posts due by Thursday, 10/3 at midnight. Be constructive! Be helpful! Use specific knowledge of syntax to help out your peeps!

Advertisements

69 thoughts on “Summer Assignment RER

  1. My Two Weakest Sentences:
    1.This has been seen time and again. (talking about brains being changed by dolls)
    I think this sentence is weak because it kind of just sits flat and doesn’t really elaborate the importance.
    2. Women today classify the hourglass figure as the ideal women.
    I think this sentence is weak because it seems a bit repetitive with “women” twice, i think it needs better diction.

    Max Gregory
    Period 4
    max.g.gregory@gmail.com

    • Yo Max.
      For your “This has happened time an time again” sentence, I was thinking that you could say something like “a reoccurring pattern has emerged”. When it is reworded like that, it makes the reader wonder “oh what is that pattern! I must simply keep reading to find out!” Then it opens up room for you to elaborate on your idea.

      On the second sentence, I think the only thing it needs is stronger diction. Maybe just use a synonym for women, like female or x-chromosome. Just kidding haha.

      -Ashley Hailey, 5th period

  2. My Two Weakest Sentences:
    1. “It seems that lately children’s toys have become more and more perfect”
    I do not like this sentence at all. I feel like it is repetitive and lacks awesome diction and I would appreciate if someone had a better idea of how to reword it.
    2) “With role models like Barbie and GI Joe, the wrong message could be placed in the minds of the youth of America” I feel like this sentence is chunky and awkward and too long. How could I break it up into two nice sentences?

    • Yo-yo Ashley of the Hailey
      On your first sentence maybe you could say ” In today’s marketing, dolls seem to be getting thinner, “fitter”, and show littler resemblance to actual people.”
      I think this makes the reader think about them more and it’s interesting once they see the evolving doll.
      For the second sentence maybe try ” Role models such as Barbie and GI Joe are detrimental. The image and message given off causes a future of mental brainwash.” I think this sounds better, to me haha, it is a little more elaborate and makes your idea more entertaining to follow.
      Max Gregory
      4th Period
      max.g.gregory@gmail.com

    • Ashley,
      For your first sentence I think that if you reword the sentence and eliminate the word “more” it might make it flow better. Like “It seems that recent toys, such as the GI JOE 10,000, have become too perfect”. Then you can go on to explain how. (PS I am not sure what the GI Joe toy is so I made it up.(:)

      A suggestion for your second sentence would definitely be to switch up your syntax a bit; just like you suggested! So maybe change it to “Unachievable body images and role models are promoted to young children all over the world; from Barbie to GI Joe. With these images around every corner the wrong ideas about body image may be seeping in to the youthful minds of America.”
      This sentence was really hard to break down and rebuild, I hope I helped!(:

    • Ashley, you could break up the second sentence by saying “with role models like Barbie and G.I. Joe, the wrong messages could be sent out to the youth. The message that is discussed in this article is …” and say what is disscussed based on theclaim of the author of the article being spoken of

      Katelyn Berrey
      Period 5

  3. MY REVISIONS FROM FEEDBACK
    1. ” This reoccurring pattern has flew under the radar for years, yet the effects of a dolls evolution are extremely prominent.”
    I followed what Ashley said and used a different diction choice and checked the fluency of the sentence. It sounds more clear and explains better.
    2. ” Women today classify the hourglass figure as the ideal, or standard shape of the female body.”
    On this sentence i was able to make because of Ashley’s suggestion to fix diction choice so it would not sound repetitive.
    Max Gregory
    Period 4
    max.g.gregory@gmail.com

  4. Sentence 1: Being a healthy and active person is hard to be when there are appetizing temptations where ever one turns.

    What makes me think that this sentence is weak are all of the to be verbs.

    Sentence 2: Television was not complicated and easy to understand.

    What makes this sentence weak is that it is rather confusing. The “not complicated” that comes first is awkward.

    Rebeka Matthews
    5th Period

    • Rebeka, here’s what I think you could change in your sentences:
      1. Instead of using “Being” and “to be” you could say: “Undergoing a healthy and active personality is strenuous because there are temptations wherever you look.”

      2. Instead of saying what you already said, you could say: “Television is not convoluted and it is easy to comprehend.”

      • Revisions!
        Sentence 1: “Achieving a healthy and active life style is difficult when temptations lurk around every corner.”
        I like the way this has been reworded to eliminate most of the to be verbs. And I also like it better that the verb for temptations is negative rather than the adjective, it seems more subtle.
        Sentence 2: “Television was comprehended easily and far from complex.”
        I rewrote the sentence like this because it seems to flow better than my first one. It is not as repetitive, and the diction is a little bit better.
        Thank you Lindsay for the suggestions. I really wanted to just use that second sentence you wrote because it was really good! You helped a lot.(:

        Rebeka Matthews 5th

    • Beka,
      For the first sentence, you could try to switch around the order. I think that would put more emphasis on the fact that there are temptations that are hard to ignore. You could say something like: “With appetizing temptations where ever one turns, it is incredibly difficult to focus on being a healthy, active person.”
      For the second sentence I think that simply using the word “uncomplicated” instead of saying “not complicated” would make your sentence easier to understand the first time it is read.

  5. My two weakest sentences:
    1. “The young boys who use G.I. Joe as a role model, compare their bodies with G.I. Joe’s body” I think this sentence is weak because it is repetitive, and lacks strong diction.
    2. “The dolls promote muscular figures that require steroids” I think this sentence is weak because the meaning is not very clear, and it sounds awkward.

    Shayna Snyder
    Period 5

    • You’re correct about sentence #1 being repetitive Shayna. However it also has a misuse of a comma, and definitely use some detail as to why it’s relevant that they compare themselves to G.I. Joe.
      Sentence #2 could also use some clarification on how the doll’s muscular figures require steroids. Do they have it tattooed on their little figurine arms: “requires steroids”? Try adding some detail so that your meaning is a little more clear. (Don’t go too extreme though! I had some pretty crazy run on sentences in my essay, so try to be careful and concise.)
      -Mackenzie Hunsaker 🙂

  6. Mackenzie Hunsaker
    Period:4
    My two weakest sentences were:
    1) This is highly likely due to how many athletes are inclined to use steroids and other performance enhancing drugs along with several other maladies that young, particularly male athletes encounter that are unfortunately under reported. (Holy molly, run on sentence and irrelevant)
    2)That is 51years of the doll’s influence on small children. (probably some better syntax…?)

  7. Sentence 1: People can take action if they do not like their body.
    I feel that this is a weak sentence because it does not really have any sort of importance in my essay and could be better stated.

    Sentence 2: Using supplements is not going to fix a persons body image and neither is thinking that person needs to look like Barbie or G.I. Joe.
    I feel that this sentence is very weak because it seems verbose and like it could be shortened in some way.

    Lindsay Norstrom
    Period 4

    • You could make sentence #1 stronger by changing it from a loose sentence to a periodic sentence. This could be done like this:
      If a person does not like their body, they could take action.

      For sentence #2 you could remove the “and”, and instead insert a comma:
      Using supplements is not going to fix a persons body image, neither is thinking they need to look like Barbie or G.I.Joe.

  8. My two weakest sentences:
    1.) “G.I. Joe’s are role model’s for most boys and many young boys want to be just like them” This sentence is weak because it is not really that important and is vague.
    2.) “When people see a G.I. Joe, they think that it is unnatural” This sentence is weak because it’s not that important and it lacks strong diction.

    Alivia Nichols
    Period 5

    • For the first sentence, you could say something like
      “Similar to other action and hero figures, G.I. Joe acts as a role model for young people…” This dependent clause adds some more depth and importance to the sentence.
      For the second one, you could say
      “G.I. Joe, although idolized by young people, proves to be unnatural and unhealthy…” This gives you an opportunity to improve the diction, and it could lead you into CD about scaling G.I Joe dolls to life size.

      Amy Schols 🙂
      Period 5

  9. Alana’s Weaksies:
    1. “To determine a being’s health by a glance or even a while observing them is not accurate enough”
    Alana tends to write with a philosophical view and makes everything to general. She needs your opinion on how to make this sentence clear.
    2. “It is only human to judge quickly yet if many things changed, mindsets would also change”
    Her writing is struggling here. Alana doesn’t know how to gain specificity in this sentence. She believes it is too generalized and needs some strong diction to say more with less…

    Alana Schuetzle
    Period 4
    Note that A didn’t use punctuation because she didn’t know how *insert embarrassed emoticon here* Can you help her with that?

    • For the first sentence, maybe you could say, “Accurately determining a person’s physical health takes more than a glance.” Shortening the sentence and changing the syntax, makes the sentence more succinct and clear.
      For the second sentence, you could start it off with something similar to, “It is human nature to judge someone by their appearance…” Then you could specify what “things” have changed, and clarify the meaning by adding detail.

      Shayna Snyder
      Period 5

  10. SENTENCE REVISIONS:
    Sooo, thankyou to Max and Beka for helping me out on this. I have decided that for my first sentence the revision would be “It seems that recently G.I Joe dolls have become fitter and show little resemblance to actual people”. I like how this sentence gives more of a formal opinion rather than a sloppy one.

    For my second sentence, it was really hard for me to not write down what Beka said because it was so beautiful. Anyways.. “Unattainable body images are promoted to children everywhere; from Barbie to G.I Joe. This is sending a detrimental message into their minds”. I like this more because split up into two sentences it flows more.

    Freddy, I mean Phoenix, I mean Freddy, I MEAN Ashley Hailey 5th period

  11. Two weakest sentences:
    1.) ” This pushes athletes to wanting this look, and doing anything possible to achieve it.” This sentence has weak diction, and the syntax is awkward.
    2.) “When these athletes see overly muscular hero-like figures, they will resort to unhealthy methods to enhance their performance.” This sentence is weak because it is vague and unclear.

    Amy Schols
    Period 5

    • For your first sentence, Amy, I agree that the diction is not the strongest, and the syntax is indeed a bit awkward. I would try something along the lines of “Due to this, athletes crave this defined physique, and will push the limits to achieve their desired appearance.”
      As for the second sentence, your vague phrase “unhealthy methods” could easily be replaced by a specific example. For example, “As athletes see hero-like figures with obscenely large muscles, they will resort to dangerous behaviors, such as bulemia or steroids, to enhance their performance.”

      Rachel Anderson
      Period 5

  12. 1. It makes you think to understand what is happening and what might happen next.
    This sentence is weak because it is wordy and unclear

    2. Television shows have become more complex because of the addition of views with different characters.
    This sentence is weak because it is confusing.
    Nick Baldwin
    Period 5

  13. Two weakest sentences:
    1) “It is planted in a young athletes mind that being attractive means being on top” I think that this sentence is weak because the “being on top” part is vague and could mean multiple things.

    2) “Having always seen this as a child as perfect, it is no wonder that young athletes try to achieve that look” I think that this sentence is very awkward and has bad syntax. I also feel that it is a long run on sentence that doesn’t make much sense.

    Korissa Bartok
    Period 4

    • You’re correct when you say that “being on top” could mean various things. For a more clear idea, I would rewrite it as, “Young athletes have the idea planted in their mind that attractiveness has a direct correlation with success.”
      I wouldn’t go so far as to call your second sentence a run-on sentence, as it is not very long. But, the syntax is a bit awkward. I would go for something like this: “Unsurprisingly, young athletes are desperate to achieve that look, as we view this as perfect.”

  14. My Weakest Sentences:
    1. “The addiction of television is a heavy weight on America’s obesity rate, and the obesity rate is far too high.”
    While I like the first clause in my sentence, the second is bothersome to me. It’s a bit repetitive, and the phrase “far too high” is sort of lame.
    2. “It is okay to sit and watch an episode of your favorite show once a week, but spending your entire day glued to the flat screen of TV is an unwise, unhealthy choice.”
    This sentence just seems a bit wordy.

    Rachel Anderson
    Period 5

    • Rachel,
      Maybe you could try and re-wording the sentence to say “With the obesity rate increasing, television has developed into a addiction” or something to that effect. Shortening the sentence and rephrasing it, makes it more clear.
      For the second sentence you could say something like this- ” Spending your entire day glued to a TV is unwise and unhealthy, but watching your favorite episode once a week is okay/understandable” .

      Alivia Nichols
      Period 5

  15. My two weakest sentences:
    1 (Referring to people who watch TV)”They are made more creative by noting the many different ways information can be relayed through different people.” I feel like this senctence has too many words that are general and not specific.
    2 “Social interaction is an essential part of television and people can learn from it.” This sentence is dull and I don’t like my use of the word “it”.

    • For your first sentence, Karlie, I feel that you should take the sentence and look at the various components. One component is “they are made more creative” and the other component is “by noting the many different ways information can be relayed through different people.” For the first component, I sense that you are trying to emphasize your point of the creativity of these TV-watchers. To begin, this component has great potential. The problem word/phrases, I see, are “they” and “made more.” Instead of using “they,” you should use something more direct. Think of a word or a phrase that would bring these “they” people closer to home, or say something that makes them not a “they” (talk about awkward sentences). I might use “the flickering screen sparks creativity in its watchers.” For the last component, I feel that you are right about the wordiness. You just might have to pull this component out of this sentence and into a new one, for example, “The flickering screen sparks creativity in its watchers. The creativity comes from the experience of seeing a variety of information being sent and delivered in different ways.” I am not sure if this really helps, but I feel that your sentence is burdened with too much information.

      I agree with you about your second sentence, but I feel that you were very close to pulling it off. I think that you could change a few words and “reverse” the sentence, and then you would have it. I suggest that you consider doing something like this: “People easily learn from social interaction, and luckily for all people, social interaction is an essential part of television.” This way, you would avoid the odd “it” and you would be setting yourself up for elaboration on this topic.

      Alec Solemslie
      Period 5

  16. My two weakest sentences:
    1. “The modern world can relate to this, but sadly it is for the worse.”
    This sentence is complete incomplete. I have used “it” and “this” when there is nothing for “it” and “this” to represent, plus the diction is extremely low.
    2. “If the body supports a person and allows for a person to work, then the person should save it from a horrible enemy.”
    I feel that this sentence is using too many words to convey the point, and the sentence fails to convey the point with clarity. Also, the sentence is awkward in nature.

    Alec Solemslie
    Period 5

    • For your first sentence you need an antecedent to replace “this” and instead of “but sadly it is for the worse’ you could say “unfortunately these are negative and detrimental connections. For the second one, I think the idea you are trying to get across could be better clarified by saying “The body gifts people with the ability to function, therefore, they should protect and care for it.”

      Karlie Lodjic
      period 5

  17. Phoenix, I mean Ethan, I MEAN Freddy. Fourth period.
    1. “Being an active viewer helps you to gain knowledge.” This is the concluding sentence to a paragraph about active viewers thinking and forming opinions as they watch TV. I feel like it is short and not a strong concluding thought, and doesn’t have very interesting diction. Also, I used the word “knowledge” way too many times in just this paragraph.

    2. “People must think hard and they also enjoy doing it.” This sentence is about watching TV and is in my conclusion. It also lacks good diction, and I do not like using “it” or “think hard”. It just is short and not very interesting.

    • Well miss Phoenix another word that could be used is mental capacity (okay two words) maybe something like “Regularly viewing can exponentially increase ones mental capacity.”
      For the second I might suggest something like “While viewing a high level of cognition is needed, yet viewers also rather enjoy television.” To expand it a little bit, just a few diction examples you could use 🙂

      • Thanks TamWad:) I like the “exponentially increasing one’s mental capacity” a lot actually. And the higher level of cognition part is very good. I actually didn’t use the word cognition once! I should have, because I did use a lot of repetition and that would have been a great substitute.

    • Words from Phoniex her computer is not working at the moment lol “I forgot to explain why I made these revisions. The first I used Tami’s suggestion of increasing mental capacity because I like the way it sounded. It sounds stronger with greater vocabulary, and stimulating the mind seemed like a much stronger way of saying gained knowledge, which I used multiple times in my essay.

      The second I used Tami’s suggestion of a higher level of cognition. I added the rigorous and exigent part because it is better diction and also I wanted to explain that even though people may not generally like thinking hard and solving difficult problems, TV is a way of doing so that they enjoy.” Hope that helps.

  18. I agree with you on the second sentence. I think you used the word person too many times i that sentence. If you used a synonym for person then I think you would have a solid sentence.

    Cory Peterson
    Period 5

  19. My two weakest sentences:
    “Today’s society believes T.V. to be a number of the brain, doing more harm to your intelligence than good” This is my hook, I meant number as in numb, but I wasn’t sure if it was a word or not, and I guess it’s not.

    “While watching TV people are thinking about what might happen next” This has poor diction, and I feel that it is weak and could be improved on.

    • ethanfreddymoore608:
      For your first sentence, I think a good replacement for the not-really-a-word number would be poison, like “Today’s society believes TV to be the brain’s poison, seeping into the mind and obliterating all intelligence” or something like that. The poison is a good metaphor for the way TV is viewed these days.

      For your second sentence, I think you just need to word it differently with better diction. Like “While intrigued in TV, the human mind cannot resist racking their brain trying to figure out what is to happen next.” And this is a good set up for a strong example, like of a show that does that, like with cliffhangers and twists and stuff and how people piece things together mentally to try to figure it out.

      “Today’s society believes Freddy to be the bittersweet poison of Ethan’s family life, for Ethan’s mom adores Freddy an immense amount more than Ethan, her own son.”

  20. My weakest two sentences:
    1. The multiple threads in a tv show mean multiple plot lines.
    This is one of my weaker sentences because I have no transition in the beginning and it explains nothing to the audience.
    2. Multiple threads support Mr. Johnson’s claim because it also forces the audience to pay attention which can cause them to become smarter.
    This is also one of my weaker sentences because I forgot to explain the importance behind the sentence. Without out it the sentence is empty and without meaning.

    Cory Peterson
    Period 5

    • I think what would make both of these shorter, as you acknowledged, would be some explanation. I didn’t know what threads meant when reading the article, so your reader might not either. You should refer to how there are multiple plots within plots and between an abundance of characters and cliffhangers and constantly changing relationships that the mind must work hard to keep up with instead of simply watch one single predictable plot between just a few characters. Then what I did in my essay is I gave examples of a specific show (in my case, Supernatural) and why it is so complicated throughout the season and why it keeps me actively thinking. So basically, just make sure to explain threads with specific examples like multiple plots and twists and characters 🙂

  21. My two weakest sentences I had are as follows:

    1. When you start to think about it, your brain is being challenged, but it learns along the way.
    (It’s weak because it sounds like it just rambles on, in my opinion.)

    2. Substance is different but in a similar way.
    (I feel like much better diction could have been used and different wording would have made it more appropriate.)

    • I agree with you that your first sentence does sound like a run on. Maybe instead you could just say “When you think, your brain is being challenged. Nevertheless, your brain is withholding beneficial information”

      For your second sentence I think that you should try to make it a stronger statement with more information for your reader by making it more of a periodic sentence instead of a loose sentence.

  22. Here’s what I think you should do:
    1. Instead of having all those commas, you could shorten it a bit and say something like: When your brain is challenged, it is also retaining information.
    2. Instead of making this a loose sentence, you could make it periodic and say something like: Substances have disparities, but also have parallels with (something).

  23. My Revisions based on feedback:
    1. Instead of thinking negatively about oneself, they could take action to be what they set their minds to look like.
    I just simply made this sentence periodic instead of a loose sentence and used stronger word diction. I chose to do this because I feel it makes more sense with what I was saying in my essay based on the context of my original sentence.
    2. Using steroids is not going to fix a persons portrait, neither is thinking they need to look like a supermodel.
    I revised this sentence by following what Ethan suggested, but I used stronger word diction. I chose to do this because I felt like it was weak in word choice and I used “substances” a lot throughout my essay.

  24. My sentence revisions with Tami’s input:
    1. As an active viewer, television can exponentially increase one’s mental capacity and stimulate the mind to great lengths in a modern fashion.
    2. TV provides the opportunity to utilize a higher level of cognition and push our mental abilities, which although sounds rigorous and exigent, is a challenge viewers enjoy.

  25. My two weakest sentences:
    1. Most men want to be considered masculine and strong, and be looked up to, like Joe is, and some will resort to steroids in order to achieve that.
    I think what makes this sentence weak is that it seems choppy and I used the word “and” too often.

    2. It is not difficult to influence a vast majority of people, especially by using media that people are constantly surrounded with.
    I think this is a weak sentence because I feel that it is too vague to convey my point strongly and it doesn’t flow smoothly.

    Rachel Marsh
    Period 5

    • Rachel, for your first sentence, I believe that a few corrections just might do the trick. I would try mixing up the order of the sentence, for example, “Most men want to be considered like G.I. Joe, who is masculine, strong, and approved of, however some of these men will resort to steroids in order to achieve the Joe complex.” This example has only one “and.” The new sentence is a little easier to read.

      Your second sentence might also appear better if you mix up a few words in order to get rid of the passive voice. I would recommend something around the lines of “Media is regarded as a highly influential tool: making it the perfect instrument to influence the vast majority of the people.” I am not sure if this conveys your true purpose, but you need to find a way to make the passive tone disappear and make your sentence into an edict! Plant each sentence with a strong foundation! Declare it to all people as if it is the only truth!

      Alec Solemslie
      Period 5

  26. Revised Sentences:

    1. Along with the several challenges faced, the brain is also retaining that same information.
    2. Substance, while being symmetrical to texture, withstands several disparities as well.

    THANKS LINDSAY!

  27. My Two Weakest Sentences

    1. Society believes the ideal man is someone who is grotesquely muscled up, not overweight, and overall has an attractive body.
    -What makes this sentence weak, to me it seems like towards the end it needs something else, I am not sure if it just needs to be swapped around but to me it sounds weird and doesn’t sound like it should be part of that certain paragraph.

    2. Whether it is by steroid use, excessive training, or even eating disorders.
    -What makes this sentence weak is that the sentence does not say what the “it” is.

    • Megan, to make your second sentence better, I suggest that after you say “Whether it is by steriod use or ….” and give another example to give evidence. Also explain what “it” is by saying something along the lines of “Whether because of steriod use….”

      Katelyn Berrey
      Period 5

  28. My Revisions Based on Feedback:
    1)Young athletes have the idea planted in their mind that attractiveness has a direct correlation with success.
    I took out the phrase “being on top” because it was vague and did not help the reader understand what I was talking about at all.

    2) Unsurprisingly, young athletes are desperate to achieve the look, viewed as perfect.
    I changed the syntax in the sentence that made it seem awkward. This sentence explains what I was trying to say in a more condensed and clear way.

    Korissa Bartok
    Period 4

  29. My two weakest sentences:
    1) People are so worried about how they look.
    I think this sentence is weak because it doesnot explain very much . I need better diction.
    2) This begins with very young children.
    This sentence is weak because, like my last sentence, explains very little. It is just a continuence of the sentence before.

    Katelyn Berrey
    Period 5

    • My suggestion for the first sentence is “Appearance is a top concern for most people in this society.”
      As for the second, it is hard to help revise when I do not know the prior sentence. I would change your adverbs and adjectives to something more original. And maybe give a word clarifying what “this” is, (ex: this process, this idea, this theory, ect.)

  30. My weakest sentence was my thesis, “Television is helping people make connections through relevance to reality and map social networks.” The word choices are good, but the grammar is awkward..

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s