Horace and Adversity RER

UPDATED TUESDAY, 11/6:

Post your old as well as the new and improved body paragraphs Post just one old paragraph with its’ revision, not all three of them! with analysis here.

Be sure to comment on two of your peers’ work by Wednesday, 11/14 at noon. How successful was he/she in icreasing the amount of CM?

Writing good commentary is adverse, I know!!

Horace: the man himself!

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111 thoughts on “Horace and Adversity RER

  1. Old CM Paragraph 1:Through his training he learns and uses his great physical strength, cleverness, and ability to charm the people surrounding him. If Peeta was never chosen to fight in this gruesome game then he would have developed his characteristics much later. The thrust of disaster quickly highlights the strenghts hidden below.

    New: Through his training he learns and uses his great physical strength, cleverness, and ability to charm the people surrounding him. Being a baker’s son does not really let Peeta use his wit and cleverness to it’s full potential. Continuing in this job would have just developed his physical strength. Being in the Battle helped develop his charicteristics that would not have devolped if he stayed at home baking. The thrust of disaster quickly highlights the strenghts hidden below.

    Old CM Paragraph 2: Because of the immense pain they felt they will always remember that the hot stovetop did to their hand and will refrain from touching it again.Learning from one’s mistakes will better the person’s decision making in the future.

    New: Because of the immense pain they felt they will always remember that the hot stovetop did to their hand and will refrain from touching it again. Severe negativity attached to the memory tells the brain not to finish the action. In life, severe negativity reminds the person of past mistakes. Our brain learns what not to do from the detrimentality produced in that certain instance or event. Learning from one’s mistakes will better the person’s decision making in the future.

    Old CM Paragraph 3: She quickly had to abandon her immaturity and step into motherhood. This misfortune turned into a beautiful baby boy, that brings joy everyday. This unplanned event helped grow her into a person. Misfortunes can unearth beauty.

    New: She quickly had to abandon her immaturity and step into motherhood. She was not slowly introduced to motherhood, with years of readiness stocked up, she was thrust in, and had to grow up quickly. Motherhood takes a large amount of maturity to be gained before hand. This misfortune turned into a beautiful baby boy, that brings joy everyday. This unplanned event helped grow her into a person. Misfortunes can unearth beauty.

    • Lindsay McCue, Period 6
      Grace, you seemed to analyze the first and second paragraphs very well but the third seems like it’s missing something.. maybe it doesn’t relate back to your thesis? I’m not sure exaclty what it is that’s missing, it just feels vague and slightly incomplete.. Also you repeat the word “motherhood” pretty often so maybe try and think of a new word/words for that, such as “this responsiblity” or just omit it altogether, changing that will probably also help with it sounding more complete because of the variation. Other than tweaking the third paragraph though you did well!

      • Lindsay–excellent suggestion in terms of finding synonyms. You even provide a great suggestion for one. Thanks for getting started early on this, and also for the insightful feedback. 🙂

    • Grace. I like the way you put together your new sentences you turned good CM’s into better more detailed ones. I’d suggest thinking of different types of sentences to further better your writing.

  2. Lindsay McCue, Period 6

    Old Body Paragraph 1: Horace is correct, for example, when that hardshop changes a persons’ actions. When their actions are changed to accomodate that difficulty, they gain a skill. An example of this would be someone who is financially burdened building up the ability to handle their money in a smart, beneficial way. People who never experience the hardship of cutting coupons or not giving a birthday gift to their child may not build this skill as well as someone who must. Without this financial stress, the money saving skill will lay dormant.

    New Body Paragraph 1: Horace is correct, for example, if that hardship causes a persons’ actions to change. When a difficult situation arises, people must modify their actions. When their actions evolve to accomodate that difficulty, a skill is gained. An example of this would be someone who is financially burdoned building up the ability to handle their money in a sagacious and beneficial way. People who never experience the hardship of cutting coupons or not having adequate money to buy their child a birthday gift may not build this expertise as well as someone who must. This is due to the fact that wealthy people don’t have to make the same sacrifices as those are at a financial disadvantage, because they are not put in the same situations. Without experiencing a financial stress, the money saving skills lay dormant.

    Old Body Paragraph 2: Skills emerge when stresses make theirselves known in a persons life. In Pakistan, the Taliban prevents girls from going to school due to their orthodox beliefs that only boys should receive an education. A girl named Malala Yousufzai who went to school was recently shot by these old fashioned people. This did not stop her from wanting to return to school, however. Under all this stress, Yousufzai has managed to spread her story, something she would not have been able to do if she wasn’t so determined to have other girls to to school. Adversity, in her situation, is the Taliban; the thing that emerged? Her dream to be a known writer, due to the hundereds of thousands reading her blog. If she had not been put into this situation, her dream of being known would have never been accomplished.

    New Body Paragraph 2: Skills and accomplishments emerge when stresses become prominent in a persons life. In Pakistan, the Taliban prevents female children from attending school due to their orthodox beliefs that only men should be educated. Recently, a young girl named Malala Yousufzai challenged these beliefs by attending school, and was thus targeted by these men. Yousufzai was shot by the Taliban and survived. Due to the public gawking at her stressful life, Yousufzai has managed to spread her story, something she would not have been able to do if she was not shot. Adversity, in her situation, is the Taliban; the result of this adversity? Hundereds of thousands of people all over the world reading her blog, becoming aware of the everyday hardships in Pakistan. Because of her, knowledge about this has spread like wild fire and life-changing actions have been put in place for hundreds of girls. If she had not been put into this life-threatening situation, Yousufzai’s dream of sharing her life would have never shined through and her story would have been left in the dark.

    Old Body Paragraph 3: Some people, however, need not to be put into a difficult situation for their talents to shine through. Some just try hard anyway. This is very true when it comes to athletes in a PE class. Those kids, who have already built up skills that give them a physical advantage, will easily exvel in their PE class. For them, there is no hardship or difficulty when placed in physically demanding situations, therefore Horace’s claim does not apply to them. A quarterback who wins a game of capture the flag did not have difficulty, he was simply doing something fun, and his talent was put on show for everyone.

    New Body Paragraph 3: Some people, however, need not to be put into a difficult situation for their talents to shine through. Certain individuals simply try hard anyway. This is very true when it comes to athletes in a PE class. Those kids, who have already built up skills that give them a physical advantage, will easily excel in this enviornment. A quarterback who wins a game of capture the flag does not have difficulty, he was simply performing something that he has already perfected. He already has the talents he needs such as being able to throw a ball and dodge other students, for him, there is no hardship or difficulty. When placed in this situation, it is simply a fun way to show off the talents he already has, therefore Horace’s claim does not apply to him. He was simply showing off a seemingly innate talent in an effortless situation.

    • Lindsay,
      Nice use of vocabulary on your revised paragraphs. You did a great job analyzing in the new ones, especially paragraph 3 the old one I had a hard time understanding but when you revised it, it became much more clear. It seems like your thesis was qualifying but I didn’t know that until the end. I feel like it would make your paper stronger if your qualifying paragraph was #2. But you did an excellent job analyzing!
      Madeline Friend period 3

  3. I am kind of wearing my Scarlet letter by sharing this but it is the paragraph that needs the most improvement.

    Old Paragraph:
    Misfortune often enlightens the greater excellence of qualities in a person. If one is faced with a hardship, such as being poor, they become more determined and gain more responsibility. A person could have a friend that has told them that they are homosexual. This person is now up against adversity with said friend and in the end they will find the qualities of openmindedness and respect that would not have shown through otherwise. Adversity also preings talents to light.

    New paragraph:
    Misfortune often enlightens the greater excellence in a person. An example of this is when on is faced with the hardship of being at poverty level. The fact that they can barely make ends meat makes them want more responsibility to provide more. The fact that they are working two jobs just to have a roof over their head causes them to push themselves to almost the breaking point because they are determined to live in better circumstances. Another example of adversity lighting the path to the best charecter is if one has a friend that has told them that they are homosexual. The first trait that can be gained from this is openmindedness, you can chose to not let this be a defining charecteristic about the person. The second trait one can gain is respect, considering this decision does not seriously effect the person they can respect this aspect of the homosexual person. None of these qualities would not have shown through without adversity.
    Madeline Friend period 3

    • Maddie,
      Your new paragraph is 10x better than the first, congrats! You got rid of that “fat nazi” in a very effective way. Your first paragraph seemed very rushed, which is understandable in a timed write situation, you just need to make sure to get things straight to the point. I think that’s what you were trying to do at first, but ended up confusing the reader because you switched topics so quickly. Maybe next time when you’re writing, read over your paragraphs as you finish them, and then later when you’re finished to make sure your ideas transition well. Also, your new paragraph does a much better job at explaining why and how each CD relates to your thesis, however I had a hard time focusing towards the end, I had to reread a few times. Maybe it’s just me, but some of the sentences don’t seem very smooth (the last sentence and your transition to the homosexual CD). Even with my little critiques, your paragraph has improved quite a bit, so good job! 🙂

  4. Old Paragraph:
    Although dealing and coping with financial and political hardship is life threatening it opens eyes to what’s out there in the world. Life isn’t always going to be given with the glass half full, sometimes the glass will be half empty. One cannot go through life without any hardships or else they will be left unaware to what the world is really life. Getting laid off a job is awful, but it’s hardships like that, that make a person stronger and realize they need to work for what they’ve got, and they need to work extremely hard. Helping to develop a stronger, self-aware charcter.

    New Paragraph:
    Although dealing and coping with financial and political hardship is life threatening it opens eyes to what’s out there in the world. Life isn’t always going to be given with the glass half full, sometimes the glass will be half empty. One cannot go through life without any hardships or else they will be left unaware to what the world is really like. Getting laid off a job is awful and a terrible hardship for a parent to overcome. Owning a home isn’t free, there is a mortage to be paid, along with utilities and grocery bills, not to mention car loans. Without any monthly income, paying all those bills is a seemingly impossible task. Slowly the money will start perishing, leading to debt and possible loss of home. It’s hardships like that, that make a person stronger. Overcoming a period in life, when all can be taken away and there’s nothing to stop it, helps one to realize they need to work for what they’ve got and they need to work extremely hard. Helping to develop a stronger, self-aware character.

    • Jenelle,
      You did an excellent job adding commentary and making your idea more complete. Your first paragraph seemed a little bland and incomplete, but your revised version did a great job reconnecting to your thesis and explaining how this hardship can be overcame.

    • All the detail you added definitely adds to the overall power of that paragraph, but it’s not fluffy details, they create background and crisp analysis. good job

    • You did a great job of adding more commentary. It lengthened it by quite a bit and I can tell how it starts broad and where it stats to get more specific and even more specific. You do all this without getting off task and you keep it related to the thesis also at the same time. It is easier to see where the ideas connect.

    • Your second paragraph really improved! I liked how you kept what you knew worked and just added onto that and good job at making it all connect back to your thesis! One thing is that I think next time maybe you should focus a little more on how it develops character and not so much why its hard.

  5. Grace, you did a great job of adding CM to your paragraphs! Especially paragraph # 3. When I was reading the old #3 the whole thing seem a bit rushed, bouncing back and forth from one point to another, but with your new revision the tempo slowed downed and it easier for me to digest. You did a good job of explainig how she had to step out of immaturity because she was never taught the role of how to be a mother and what resulted from that.

  6. Maddy, good job eliminating your “fat nazi problem”!! When I first read your paragraph it seemed like you were trying to connect two opposite ideas with eachother and hoping it would work. And you barely finished your first train of thought before you bounced right into another, but thanks to your addition of CM you finsihed your first CD and then smoothly transitioned into a new CD. Your new paragraph flows a thousand times better and makes tons more sense when you read it.

  7. Body Paragraph 1
    Old CM
    I believe that if he didn’t have anything to fight for then his words would have never been said in the first place.

    New CM
    If Martin Luther King Jr. did not have to fight the the equal rights of all skin tones than his amazxing words of wisdom, that mesmerized America and changed the countries morals, would never have been uttered.

  8. Old Paragraph:
    It was not that long ago that George Washington was also facing a difficult challenge where he was sort on money. But he kept on persisting and fight to built what he believed in, and became on of the greatest men to live. Like at Valley Forge and The American Revolution with George Washington dreams can be tarnished but hope is not lost in times of hardship. People will find a way to kept fighting and in that they will show who they are as a person.

    New Paragraph:
    It was not that long ago that George Washington was also short on money. Facing not only the very strong and intimating British Army, but lack of supplies and money added to the tough circumstances he had to fight through. He fought with every molecule in his body. Washington kept on persisting and was building not just his army, but his character and skills. The lack of supplies and money helped cultivate his skills because he could not rely on new weapons or provisions to keep his men going. He had to draw within himself the skill to inspire and motivate his army in those difficult times. The army’s shortage of necessities required to continue the war, developed Washington’s character and evolved his leadership qualities unlocking skills that might have “lain dormant,” if everything was given to him. Washington turned to his speaking to overcome his hardships and increased his ability becoming a world wide role model and one of the greatest men to live.

    • I think you did a great job of adding commentary to your original paragraph. by adding more background information, we can make a lot more sense of what you are trying to say. The increased length, alone, shows that you added quite a bit of analysis.

    • You did an excellent job of analyzing.By adding all those details it makes it much more clear and it is easier to tell how you got from one step to the next. You also showed how it related back to the thesis.

  9. Old paragraphs:
    When conditions are less than kind, it is often necessary to learn new ways of thinking. On the other side, in gentle circumstances, one does not achieve full skill potential. Captive lions, for example, live in a very easy, simple environment: they do not need to hunt, battle rival prides or compete for territory. Because of this, captive lions are soft, useless animals. The same is true for people. Without the need to fight for basic needs, or compete for occupation, people become skill-less, talent-less individuals. The lack of adverse conditions can keep many skills dormant.

    Dormant, however, does not mean non-existent. The talent lies in wait, patient and ready for a situation to come near where it can awake. This can be seen in explorers who become lost in strange and unhospitable terrain. The deserts of the Sahara, in North Africa, seem like a death-trap to any man who wanders in. Yet entire tribes have made these hot sands their home. They have discovered ways to acquire water and developed the necessary skills to survive, and thrive, in conditions where no other man would live. Had the adverse circumstances of the desert not been present, these nations would never have discovered the skills that they possessed to survive.

    New paragraphs:
    When conditions are less than kind, it is often necessary to learn new ways of thinking. On the other side, in gentle circumstances, one does not achieve full skill potential. Captive lions, for example, live in a very easy, simple environment: they do not need to hunt, battle rival prides or compete for territory. These lions live in establishments that are meant to provide environments that are the exact opposite of adverse; zoos are built to protect endangered and exotic animals. Because of this, captive lions are soft, useless animals. Although they are built to be powerhouses of speed and strength, these felines will never know the skills to be that, as they spend their days asleep, much like their ablities. The same is true for people. Without the need to fight for basic needs, or compete for occupation, people become skill-less, talent-less individuals. The lack of adverse conditions can keep many skills dormant.

    Dormant, however, does not mean non-existent. The talent lies in wait, patient and ready for a situation to come near where it can awake. This can be seen in explorers who become lost in strange and unhospitable terrain. The deserts of the Sahara, in North Africa, seem like a death-trap to any man who wanders in. Yet entire tribes have made these hot sands their home. They have discovered ways to acquired water and developed the necessary skills to survive, and thrive, in conditions where no other man would live. Horace states that “adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant,” and it is absolutely true when considering what Saharan tribes have accomplished. Methods, such as travelling by night and sleeping by day, skills, like extracting liquid from sparse plant growth, and mindsets, including perseverance, are among the changes they have made in the face of adversity. Had the adverse circumstances of the desert not been present, these nations would never have discovered the skills that they possessed to survive.

    • Hector, good job on your revised paragraphs. The new paragraphs have a deeper analysis, and gives more commentary. Also you answer the questions “Why” and “How,” which helps support your thesis. Another thing is you transitions and diction increased in the revised paragraphs making your essay flow better.

    • Wow Hector, you really did a great job explaining the steps in between to help the reader easily identify WHY adversity elicits talents that’d be otherwise dormant! I Don’t know what to say, I thought the old paragraphs were good! Those are good examples and you were able to use them very well with a lot of analysis! I lie the lion example!

  10. Old CM: On a day-to-day basis one’s normal routine does not involve adversity. When one is faced with adversity they have to switch up their decisions and make different decisions, due to not ever having to deal with before. This pulled out traits in people they did not know they had.

    New CM: A normal routine does not involve adversity unless it is a special case. Adversity is usually a non-common thing when it happens in big cases such as a death, really bad news such as cancer, or finding out you are bankrupt. This makes it so that people are not prepared for this and so when adversity appears it opens up a whole new door. People facing adversity as something new must figure out what decisions to make and what to do. This is where their initiative feelings set in and it can bringout traits in them they were not aware they even had.

    Claire Coalwell, Period 6

    • I think you did a lot better with the new CM Claire, but there are a couple spots where word choice could help empower the paragraph. Instead of “really bad news”, you could use a vocab word like “atrocious news”. Also, at the end you say “initiative feelings”, I think you might have got initiative mixed up with a different word. That or I just don’t know how to use the word like that! But overall I think the New CM adds much deeper analysis and conveys your opinion and reasoning much better!

    • Claire! I think the new paragraph is much more specific to the type of situations you were trying to describe in the old paragraph. But you didn’t answer the questions “Why this makes someone better?” or “How this makes someone better?” Maybe use your own story, “such as death”, and expand more on that and how it changed you for the better, but maybe use a different name so the story is not directly related to you.

    • Claire,
      Your second paragraph is so much better! Adding the extra detail (mentioning cancer) helped in explaining your point of view. The detail overall helps with relating back to your thesis, although you could always add more.

    • Your second CM is so much better. You gave a lot more examples except you need to include building character with this a little more than you did. But you did a good job with making sure the paragraph was generally with the prompt.

  11. Old Paragraph:
    An easy life produces a lethargic determination in people. If money was and will never be problematic, why dedicate your life to reaching as close as you can to perfection. The rich do not need to work hard when their money does the working for them. They do not need to take matters into their own hands; one of their indefinite servants can perform any action with more urgency because it is the servant’s job, and therefore money, on the line. Talents only reveal themselves when they are needed, nearly exclusively in times of danger, misfortune, and poverty.

    New CM: 1) This lethargy is usually caused by a superfluous amount of money. 2) Because of this lack of ambition, the rich do not need to work hard when their money does the working for them. 3) Without any problems, there are no hardships.

    New Paragraph: An easy life produces a lethargic determination in people.This lethargy is usually caused by a superfluous amount of money. If money was and will never be problematic, why dedicate your life to reaching as close as you can to perfection. Because of this lack of ambition, the rich do not need to work hard when their money does the working for them. They do not need to take matters into their own hands; one of their indefinite servants can perform any action with more urgency because it is the servant’s job, and therefore money, on the line. Without any problems, there are no hardships. Talents only reveal themselves when they are needed, nearly exclusively in times of danger, misfortune, and poverty.

    Riley Morgan, Period 6

    • Good job analyzing, but I think you should relate back to the prompt more often throughout the paragraph, perhaps by talking about how because they do not have any difficulties, the rich often do not discover “dormant talents,” but that the servants who do the working do discover their talents. Give examples of talents they might discover and make your commentary a bit more broad, and less specific to the situation.

    • Riley, your new commentary is much better. You connect A to B by using more details throughout your paper making your paragraph clearer to the reader and backing up your concrete detail. I especially like the sentence jam packed with strong diction, “this lethargy is usually caused by a superfluous amount of money.” Good Job!

  12. Old Paragraph:
    Although being criticized can bring unknown talents to the surface of one’s character, so can being in a dangerous situation. When in a dangerous situation one’s fight or flight instincts kick in and people can do unimaginable things to protect themselves. The television show “I Shouldn’t be Alive” is a perfect example of when a person shows extreme capabilities brought on by adversity. Coach Willard, from Sedro-Woolley High School, is someone who experienced the fight or flight instinct when he was in Peru a few summers back. He had gotten lost alone on a beach and went into the ocean for a swim. As the undercurrent took him down he told himself to stop panicking otherwise he would drown. From these experience his character has developed into one who takes many cautions.
    New Paragraph:
    Although being criticized can arise unknown talents to the surface of one’s character, so can being in a dangerous situation. When in a deleterious situation a person’s instincts kick in and that person can do unimaginable things to protect themselves. The television show “I Shouldn’t be Alive” is a perfect example of when a person shows capabilities brought on by dangerous situations like Coach Willard from Sedro-Woolley High School. He had to use his instincts when he visited Peru a few summers ago. Willard had gotten lost alone on a beach and went into the ocean for a swim. The undercurrent took him down. He told himself to not panic otherwise he would drown. From Coach Willard’s experience he has become a person who takes nothing for granted. For he has been very close to loosing the one thing many people take for granted: life. He has developed a warmhearted and caring character from his deadly experience in Peru. Without this circumstance Coach Willard may have never become so father-like and kind to those around him.

    • You did a good job analyzing and answering the prompt, but some ideas need transitions. For example, it jumps quite quickly from the show “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” to talking about Coach Willard. I think you should have a sentance in between those ideas that separates them and creates a smoother transition.

  13. Isaac Swenson, 6th Period
    Old Paragraph: Adversity can force one to learn qualities, as with Hester, that can only be achieved thtough struggle. For example, many times, poverty instills a sense of determination and hard work in those affected by it. For confirmation of this, look at our president, Barack Obama. He was born into a not-well-off family, but through hard work and determination went to Harvard and eventually became the president of the United States of America. He took nothing for granted. Many children who come from wealthy families are particularly lazy. Because they have never had to work for anything, they feel a sense of entitlement. Those who come from adverse backgrounds usually do not act like this.

    New Paragraph:Adversity can force one to learn qualities, as with Hester, that can only be achieved thtough struggle. For example, many times, poverty instills a sense of determination and hard work in those affected by it. For confirmation of this, look at our president, Barack Obama. He was born into a not-well-off family, but through hard work and determination went to Harvard and eventually became the president of the United States of America. He took nothing for granted. Many children who come from wealthy families are particularly lazy. Because they have never had to work for anything, they feel a sense of entitlement. Those who come from adverse backgrounds usually do not act like this. This is because poverty can reveal qualities and talents, both positive and negative, that would not have been needed otherwise, for in the hardest times, one’s true character shines through. One might be revealed as a hard worker who takes it upon themself to reach their own potential, or one may discover they are a highly effective thief. Whatever it takes to get by is what adaptations will be revealed. On the other hand, wealthier people, those who live comfortably and experience more “prosperous situations,” will never be exposed to situations which have the power to elicit a change.

    • I really like this paragraph. Your examples are great and they flow nicely. Plus you have the CD-CM ratio down a lot better with your added commentary. Good work, Isaac. Only cretique is I feel like “he was born into a family that was not well off” flows better than putting in a hyphonated adjective to describe his family
      Freddy Lienhard, Period 3

  14. This paragraph isn’t my finest work, which is why i decided to post it.
    Old Paragraph: Morals are a key part to ones character and to deciding how adversity will be handled. In Horac’es poem, he offers an idea that adversit can bring out hidden abilities: “adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which….would have lain dormant” (Horace). In society, children are bullied and teased for wearing different clothes, or wearing large framed glasses. Based on their morals they will either become angry and harm others, or they will find a way to call their anger and sadness. Singer Demi Lavato, as a child was harrassed, but is now a prosperous young adult. Without experiencing adversity as a child, she may have ner found a reason to sing, or a way to channel so much feelings into her music

    New Paragraph: Morals are a key part to ones character and to deciding how adversity will be handled. In Horac’es poem, he offers an idea that adversit can bring out hidden abilities: “adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which….would have lain dormant” (Horace). In society, children are bullied and teased for wearing different clothes, or wearing large framed glasses. As a result from adversity, they will find a way to channel their pain, and hopefully reveal new talents. Singer Demi Lavato, as a child was harrassed, but is now a prosperous young adult. Without experiencing adversity as a child, she may have never found a reason to sing, or a way to channel so much feelings into her music. By enduring adersity people are given a new view on life. They experience somethign that the vast majority have not. The unique life situations people have, such as Demi Lavato, give people a reason to edure hardship and to better themselves.

    • Maybe try to tie your example into a change in character as well. Horace’s quote says talents, but the prompt itself says character. It’s certainly better than the first, but i think bringing both aspects of improvement of character and improvement of talents could improve the overall argument and commentary.

    • I think the flow of the second paragraph is definitely smoother. I like how your commentary additions were not purely to the end of your paragraph. You mixed them in, and they helped, not only to explain, but to reduce the turbulence from Demi’s rough childhood to her singing.

  15. Old Paragraph: In life character can be made stronger, as well as weaker by adveristy. In the novel, The Scarlet Letter, Hester in the end is made a better person because of the burden of the scarlet letter. She was able to relate to and help her fellow human beings in ways she was never able to before. Hester’s husband, Chillingsworth, when faced with the pain of his wife having an affair, became a manipulative person. Both cases were not “prosperous circumstances”, though Hester was able to make hers prosperous, both Hester and Chillingsworth gained skills they did not posses before.

    New Paragraph: In life character can be made stronger, as well as weaker due to adversity. In the novel, The Scarlet Letter, Hester, in the end, is made a better person because of the burden of the scarlett letter. By being forced to have her sin on display for the world to judge, Hester learned to carry herself with pride in the face of adversity. Besides maintaining her dignity she was also able to relate to and help her fellow human beings in ways that were not possible before. On the other side of the spectrum there’s Hesters husband, Chillingsworth, who became a bitter, spiteful person as a result of his wifes affair with another man. Chillingsworths character on its journey to revenge developed the skill of manipulations, and became a master of this wicked art. Both cases were not “prosperous circumstances”, thought Hester was able to make her situation prosperous, both characters gained skills they did not posses before.

    • Miranda,

      Since Hester’s affair is the basis for the character growth of both Hester and Chillingsworth, I would suggest placing that tidbit of information more towards the beginning. The move would help the reader better understand the event that put Hester through adversity. Otherwise, the commentary you added shows “how A leads to B.” Nicely done.

  16. Old Paragraph:
    Competition, a form of adversity, can elevate the abilities of any character to a state unachievable by that same character in other times. Competative adversity can bring runners to race faster, politicians to talk better, and students to work harder. Usain Bolt, the fastest sprinter in the world, has only set world records facing against other runners that are nearly as fast. The opponents push him to be his best, and that push brings out a very special talent of his, that of out racing anyone else. Every four years, new men run for the office of President. this creates a very competative race of an entirely different sort than those that Bolt runs. They pit vocal talents of canidates against each other, and these talents are improved upon by the adversity that each canidate vocalizes about the others. That competation causes a push to the top, and on the way up, each canidate discovers their own, unique talents that are shown by having millions of people judging, very harshly, their every word.
    New Paragraph:
    Competition, a form of adversity, can elevate the abilities of any character to a state unachievable by that same character in other times. Competative adversity can bring runners to race faster, or politicians to speak more elequently. Usain Bolt, the worlds fastest sprinter, has only set world records when running against opponents of similar capibilities. The opponents push him to be his best, and that push brings out very special talents of his, including the ability to out run anyone else. When his opponents force Bolt to run as fast as he can, he discovers that he can out perform them, and he does. Every four years, new men run for the office of President of the United States. This creates a very competative race of an entirely different sort than those that Bolt runs. The race for presidency pits vocal eloquency of each opponent against the others, as each opponent strives to obtain the votes of each state. The canidates, in their race against the others, discover their own abilities to speak more elequently than others.

  17. Timmy
    You did a great job on expanding on the example of Demi Lovato. The old paragraph had a huge gap in thoughts, going from high school bullying to a popular singer with no transition was a little confusing. Now that you made the connection between the two the paragraph flows much better. And when you connect back to your thesis at the end of the paragraph its less of a jump than before

  18. Charlie
    Even though you didnt add much more commentary your thoughts do flow better. They seem to be more refined and easier to understand. But i think more could be added to the example of running for president and a better connection between Bolt and the elections could have been made. You also didnt relate both example back to your thesis in a broad statement at the end of the paragraph

  19. Old:

    If struggling with an adverse situation, people will, and do, fold in on themselves, which causes them to hinder the growing of their character. After having defined who she is at her elementary school, frustration breeds in this girl when she learns she must go to a middle school in a different state. Entering class on her first day, she comes to realize she knows no one, she does not recognize the bright posters of her old classroom, or the fashion these foreign people dress in. She will take a seat in the back of the classroom, and she will no utter a single word. She will seclude herself from this uncomfortable adversity surrounding her.

    New:

    If struggling with diversity, people fold in on themselves. This hinders their character growth. A girl’s character growth is hindered when forced to move to a different state. She will not recognize anyone in her classroom, so she will settle into a seat in the back of the classroom. She will remain silent. She will seclude herself from this adversity because it has forced her into a corner. Throughout the year she will continue to sit by herself. Her silence will cause her to not make friends, depression will creep on her because she has no friends, and her grades will slip because she is too afraid to ask for help. Adversity does have undesirable effects. The effect on this girl would result in her being unsocial.

    • WAAAAAAYYYY better! Just shortening the steps between your ideas made the whole paragraph smoother and easier to read. It was more depressing, but it also drove your point in better. my only issue is that you left out some of my favorite details from the first paragraph, such the bit about the posters. That part, at least to my perspective, added some voice and more sympathy to the girl, which made me connect to your argument more. But as for the commentary, great job. I hope this helps some.

    • Much better. i felt the old paragraph just throws your example at the reader, but the second paragraph sets up for the example. Also your CM helps give more knowledge about why you talked about the girl, and why adversity is not always good

  20. Original:
    There is a very well-known saying that goes a long with this idea: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Every hardship that doesn’t push a man over the brink makes him “stronger.” This new “strength” is actually more of a resilience. He is now more able to withstand hardship and adversity. Losing a loved one can be devastating, be we move on. After losing someone close, a man or woman can use his or her newfound experiences, after the proper amount of grieving, to comfort those who have not felt the cold wound of loss. Adversity builds men and women up to face new hardships in a healthier way, such as a woman’s mother dying. She cries for days on end, then years later her father dies and she is more prepared to comfort her siblings and soften their blow. Another hardship that builds character is financial troubles. Going from 100,000 dollars of income to under 40,000 is a gigantic change. The adversity of saving for needs instead of wants teaches selflessness and to not be greedy; a trait which runs rampant in a man in times of riches and glory. The adversity and hardships improve character exponentially.
    Revised: *new sentances
    There is a very well-known saying that goes a long with this idea: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Every hardship that doesn’t push a man over the brink makes him “stronger.” This new “strength” is actually more of a resilience. He is now more able to withstand hardship and adversity. Losing a loved one can be devastating, be we move on. After losing someone close, a man or woman can use his or her newfound experiences, after the proper amount of grieving, to comfort those who have not felt the cold wound of loss. Adversity builds men and women up to face new hardships in a healthier way, such as a woman’s mother dying. She cries for days on end, then years later her father dies and she is more prepared to comfort her siblings and soften their blow. *Had she not overcome the death of her mother, her father’s passing would have been just as devastating*. Another hardship that builds character is financial troubles. Going from 100,000 dollars of income to under 40,000 is a gigantic change. The adversity of saving for needs instead of wants teaches selflessness and to not be greedy; traits which runs rampant in a man in times of riches and glory. *The hardships of financial loss evoke the change in character*. *No loss, and the selfishness and greed stays, but the adversity forces the shift in character*. The adversity and hardships improve character exponentially.

    I know there isn’t too much new stuff but this was harder than i thought.

    • Levi. your new added sentences improve your CM. they show directly why your examples of adversity have imporved someones skills/life.
      TIMMY MOSER P.3

    • Levi, even though it was hard, you improved your commentary and i really like the idea you are putting across here. My only cretique is the colon. If I’m not mistaken, you need an independent clause before a colon, but I’m not entirely sure. I think the sentence would flow better if you took it out and said “…with the idea that “what does not kill you only makes you stronger”” anyways. But that’s just one person’s opinion. Good work here, though.

    • Your commentary was in weeds and roses, haha..Most of the work was thought of in class that day. The new commentary does flow better, the old one felt a little choppy switching ideas so suddenly without really connecting them. I thought you did a much better job the second time around. Good job. 🙂

  21. Old:
    Challenges are the little-or large- things in life that stops one in their tracks. There are two choices: to have stand there and let the challenge overcome them, or to stand up to the challenge and overcome it. Challenges force one to work harder and already adversity is beginning to “elcit[e] talents”. In swimming, when one is faced with a challenge, one must work harder, kick faster, breathe less. This challenge helps one become stronger. Already one has overcome adversity.

    New:
    Challenges are the little-or large- things in life that stops one in their tracks. There are two choices: to have stand there and let the challenge overcome them, or to stand up to the challenge and overcome it. Challenges force one to work harder and because of this, it is “eliciting talents” that one may not have noticed beforehand. In swimming, when one is faced with a challenge, such as a difficult set on a fast time, one must work harder to overcome said challenge by working harder, kicking faster, breathing less. Learning how to boost oneself over the challenge, over the obstacle, opens up doors for possibilities that wouldn’t have been known if one hadn’t tried. Perseverance shows one how much stronger, faster, or more closer to perfect one can be.

    • The second paragraph sounds so much better! After reading the first paragraph, I felt like it was kind of empty, as you didn’t have much commentary on your swimming example. The second one has much more commentary and really helps explain why the swimming example helps to support your claim. Also, good choice of words in the revised paragraph!

  22. Tori: I agree with Levi. Waaaay better. Making the sentences shorter and less messy helps the reader get from point A to point B faster and clearer. You also pointed out the effect adversity had on this girl, whereas in the original paragraph, you left that out.

  23. Timmy: Continuing on with Demi Lovato’s feelings cleared up how that entire idea was part of adversity. Relating it back to your thesis sums it all up and makes it so your ideas flow together more clearly.

  24. Old Body Paragraph: It has been proven that life is very precious to humans. If one were to turn on the news they would hear sories of men and women saving, destroying, or selling out others in order to keep their life the way they know it as. When an obstacle blocks one’s pathway to a desired feeling or object, they will rapidly adapt their actions and thinking as much as needed in order to dissimilate the problem they are faced with. A perfect exammple of this is Kunta Kinte from the novel “Roots”. After running away and being recaptured a third time, his toes were cut off to assure he never ran away again. After being bed ridden for weeks, he gathered the courage to attempt to walk. After learning to walk again he told his friend he would “learn to run” again. He hobbled through 4 years of agonizing pain and frustration but he forced himself to push through the adverse difficulty. In the end, he learned to run. Though his only motivation was himself, he made it happen.

    New Paragraph: It has been proven that life is very precious to humans. If one were to turn on the news at any given time they would hear sories of men and women saving, destroying, or selling out others in order to keep their life the way they know it as. When an obstacle blocks one’s pathway to a desired feeling or objective, they will rapidly adapt their actions and thinking as much as needed in order to repair the problem they are faced with. A perfect exammple of this is Kunta Kinte from the novel “Roots”. After running away and being recaptured for a third time, his toes are cut off to assure he never runs away again. After being bed ridden for weeks, he gathers the courage to attempt to walk. After learning to walk again he tells his friend he will “learn to run” again. He hobbles through 4 years of agonizing pain and frustration, but he forces himself to push through the adverse difficulty. He could have easily given up and been taken care of for the rest of his life in a warm, comfy bed. He could have let his will be broken. He did not do this, though. In the end, he learns to run. Though his only motivation is himself, he makes it happen because his spirit and his thirst for the life he once knew guide his decisions in the direction that literally keep him on his toes, seeking ways to stay as strong as possible.

  25. Old Paragraph:
    Rich Businessmen on the other hand seem to have a hard time changing. Unlike the meek who start out small, who fall and then gain and understanding for what their lives have become. These businessmen are perfectly content to sue people out of house and home for minuscule things.Take Disney for example, their people sued a woman out of existence for painting Mickey Mouse on her wall, she had 3 kids, and was barely paying the mortgage. When Disney got hit by the recession, these men were most certainly affected by it, but have they changed? No, these men continue to sue people for every penny because they cant get enough.

    New Paragraph:
    Rich Businessmen on the other hand seem to have a hard time changing. Unlike the meek who start out small, who fall and then gain and understanding for what their lives have become. These businessmen see no need to change because of no diversity and are perfectly content to sue people out of house and home for minuscule things.Take Disney for example, their people sued a woman out of existence for painting Mickey Mouse on her wall, she had 3 kids, and was barely paying the mortgage. Due to copyright law, Disney can hold the rights to every character they have created for 90 years, plus their 70+ year lives, these laws get them paid for it, and they prevent any adversity.

  26. Old Paragraph:
    There are times when a person’s special gifts might be forced into the open. If a man were stranded in a jungle, he would be forced to adapt to his environment. He might discover that he is actually a fair cook or that he has the ability to kill a deer without the deer ever knowing. The hardship of being stranded without supplies in the jungle causes the man to adapt and make use of his surroundings. Had he not been in this situation, he would not have known he had these abilities

    New Paragraph:
    There are times when a person’s special gifts might be forced into the open. If a man were stranded in a jungle without any of the essential necessities vital for living, he would be forced to adapt to his environment. He might discover that he is a fair cook, which would have remained unbeknownst to him otherwise, or he might also discover that he has the ability to kill a deer without the deer knowing what hit it.The hardship of being stranded in the jungle without the supplies needed causes the man to adapt and make use of his surroundings. If the man were stranded with access to a bounty of the essential supplies, he would never have needed to learn how to hunt or gather or cook while only using the materials given to him by Earth. The hard time he is facing requires him to adapt and make use of things he never knew existed. Had he not been in this situation, he would not have known he had these abilities.

    Michael Moser, Period 3

  27. old: …racism towards african-americans has left a scar on the heart of each and every black american. They still see racism in the eyes of americans and it effects how life is lived daily. If a white person names the color of one’s skin as “black,” he/she is automatically racist. This trait has been instilled in our character. It is innate. Only in adversity do these perceptions appear.

    new: …racism towards african-americans has left a scar on the heart of each and every black american. They still see racism in the eyes of americans and it effects how life is lived daily. If a white person names the color of one’s skin as “black,” he/she is automatically labeled as racist. This trait has been instilled in our character. It is innate. In the newer generations, there is an awkwardness between races that, if the past had been different, would not be there. Adversity creates a bias between people. Only in adversity do these perceptions appear.

    Shelbey Carlson period 3

  28. Old paragraph: Education has a major role in those silent guidelines as well. There is a stigma that seems to be attached to a lack of proper education. This may be intensified from the “this is why you stay in school” stereotype. There is also the problem of finding a job. Parents claim that going to college will get their child a job, when in fact, plenty of jobs exist that do not require it! Perhaps a family is low on money and cannot pay tuition? It doesn’t matter; this family now has an under-educated child and will be treated as such.

    New paragraph: “these silent guidelines effect education as well, creating a stigma associated with anyone who does not meet standard levels. The common “this is why you stay in school” stereotype may play a role in this case. The issue of job hunting also add to the pressure to conform to society’s educational standards. Parents often tell their children to go to college if they want to get farther than working at McDonald’s, and many fall victim to that belief. But in reality, many jobs exist that do not require a college degree. Families may not be able to afford to send their child to college, possibly now more than ever. But that doesn’t matter; they are now the family of an under-educated child and will be treated accordingly.

    • Your second paragraph does avery nice job of simply refining the first paragraph in a way that re-analyzed the information and not only made it easier to read but also to understand. I’m not entirely sure if this paragraph ties back to your thesis though.

  29. Old:

    There are people who take hardships and use them to motivate themselves to become who they want to be. Perhaps the greatest benefit of adversity’s effect on these motivated people is the desire to help others. A prime example of this is when you hear about professional athletes from tough backgrounds who go back and help their troubled communities.

    New:

    There are people who take hardships and use them to motivate themselves to become who they want to be. Perhaps the greatest benefit of adversity’s effect on these motivated people is the desire to help others. A prime example of this is when you hear about professional athletes from tough backgrounds who go back and help their troubled communities. Oprah Winfrey is another good example of a famous philanthropist who had to overcome adversity to get where she has. Oprah had to overcome being molested and coming from a poor upbringing but now she is widely known for helping others.

    • In your original paragraph, you used the general example of professional athletes going back to their roots and helping improve the lives of other. In your revised paragraph, you added Oprah as another example. Both examples are prime proving points with much available commentary–insert crazed applause.
      But you’ve got a Fat Nazi lurking about, I think. You going on about “professional athletes” and then Oprah saunters in. But what really needs to be done is some real, chewable commentary. Talk about how Oprah has gone back to her roots to help improve the lives of others (i.e. the girl’s school she built in Africa, or the organizations she supports), and how the adversities she encountered helped her to want to help others. Also, talk about how pro athletes have encountered adversities and those have caused them the desire to help others. Use commentary to separate the two separate examples

  30. Old paragraph:
    For others the hardships faced in life may be disabilities. Most of the population in the world faces a handicapped disability because of accidents. In most cases the disability is paralyzation or amputations. Recently there was an amputee runner that participated in the 2012 Summer Olympics. Although he had no legs, he was participating at a world level competition. He faced criticism, but left his mark as one of the best handicapped athletes in the world.
    New Paragraph:
    For others the hardships faced in life are disabilities. Recently there was an amputee runner that competed in the 2012 Summer Olympics. Although this runner’s legs were amputated he faced criticisms and no fault adversity. By facing his health disability, this specific runner proved that he could run just as well as all the other runners that he was competing with on the track. His disability helped him face his adversity. He showed his true talent in in being able to run with many obstacles in his way and defined determination.

  31. Old Paragraph:
    The characteristic that is brought out depends on the person. In the case of Neville, in the Harry Potter series, he shows true bravery. After receiving the knowledge Voldemort had killed (but not really killed) Harry, he still stands and fights. Even though Voldemort’s army is against him, Neville still believes in what Harry fought for. This shows even though Neville was on the loosing side he would not give up.

    New Paragraph:
    The characteristic that is brought out depends on the person. In the case of Neville, in the Harry Potter series, he shows true bravery when faced with adversity. After receiving the knowledge Voldemort has killed Harry (Voldemort only thought he did), he still stands and fights. Despite the amount of adversity that Voldemort and his army represent Neville still stands up against them. If Voldemort had not killed Harry, Neville would never have discovered the characteristic that had “lain dormant” in him for so long. This adversity brought Neville’s bravery, his dormant characteristic, to the surface.

    • Rachel: I really like how in your revision you took some parts out and changed the variation of the sentences to make the reading a bit more understandable. Good use of commentary to support your concrete detail.

    • I think that the new one was more adressing the prompt and you also actually used the word adversity in the first sentence. That helps show what the paragraph is reallyy about.

    • I completely thought the same thing as Luke. Your use of the word “adversity” addresses the prompt to the point where it is painfully obvious< which is what we are going for with these essays. Your use of the word "dormant" in your final sentence was a great way to link back to the prompt by using the same language it uses.

  32. Michael:
    The CM in your revision is much better. It creates a more complete picture of your example. I do not know what your thesis is, but the vocabulary and CM you used relates better to the prompt you are answering.

    Francisco:
    The CM you add supports your example better. There is a better picture of what you are talking about and relates better back to the prompt.

  33. Old Paragraph…Adversity coerces the receiver into self reflection, developing a character trait unseen before. In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter,” the main character, Hester Prynne, is faced with the adversity of public humiliation. She is forced to wear a scarlet letter and is shunned from society. In this time, she struggled with the weight of the adversity but reflected on herself and realized that her letter set her free. Much like Hester in many ways, Katniss Everdeen, from the book “The Hunger Games,” faces an obstacle. Katniss’ sister is chosen to fight to the death in the Hunger Games. However, Katniss’ character drove valor to the surface and Katniss volunteered herself as a replacement. These two instances are pointing out that when one is thrown into an adverse situation, his or her nature morphs itself in a way that was unknown before. These instances also prove that through trials of darkness, comes a light–the development of character.

    New Paragraph…Adversity coerces its victim into self reflection. It develops a character unseen before. Hester Prynne of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter,” is faced with the calamity of public humiliation. She is forced to wear a scarlet letter and is shunned from society. This moment of her life caused a struggle, but as the struggle continued so did self reflection and realization. Hester comes to the conclusion that her letter sets her free, it drives strength to every pore in her body and develops that body into a different, unknown person. Like Hester in many ways, Katniss Everdeen of “The Hunger Games,” is faced with an obstacle. Her younger sister is chosen to fight to the death in the Hunger Games. However, Katniss volunteers herself as a replacement. Katniss’ act of valor, according to Horace, was only elicited because of the adversity of having her sister taken. Without the adversities Hester and Katniss faced, they never would have discovered the strength and bravery they always posessed. These instances prove that through trials of darkness comes a light–the development of character.

    • I like how you changed from being mostly summary in your old paragraph to mostly commentary in the new one. Is your thesis that adversity shapes character? If so you brought it back to your thesis quite nicely.

  34. Danielle Pace, period 6:

    Old paragraph
    There are an astonishing amount of innate characteristics bestowed upon people. Some people are born with an amazing talent from above. No person can figure how it was developed, but it does exist within a person. Mozart was one such person. He could play piano from a very young age and had already written musical masterpieces at the age of five. He knew exactly what he was doing with almost no training, as though he was an instrument of God himself. Other people are born genuinely pure-hearted and kind natured, while even others are born negative. Some people have an affinity toward dancing.

    New paragraph
    There are an astonishing amount of characteristics bestowed upon people. Some are born with an amazing talent from above, which no parson can quite put a finger on how it came into existence, and, in spite of that, it still persists to thrive within the person. Mozart was one such individual: he could play the piano from a young age and had already written a musical masterpiece by the ripe age of five. He knew exactly what he was doing, as though he were a divine instrument of God himself. This sort of naturally possessed talent can shape a person’s life in a way that may not have been possible, lest the talent had not existed within the person. If Mozart had not possess his musical talent, he may have only been just an average music teacher, like his father, or even something completely different, such as a scholar.

  35. Tiffanie: In your revision the commentary is still similar to that of your first one, but it has been better worded to support your argument a little bit more. I do think you should add more commentary explaining why Katniss’ bravery was something she would never know she had possessed.

    Ian: I like how you have added a more concrete detail into your paragraph, but don’t you need your own words–your opinion in this? For example, you could talk about how much different things would have been, had she not faced adversity.

    Danielle Pace, period 6

  36. Old: The adversity of being in poverty with no food and no shelter can cause people to develope certain traits that could help with survival. In the Disney Movie Aladdin there was the man Aladdin that was homeless and had no food to eat. Aladdin developes that ability to be incredibly sneaky and steal food without being seen. If a child grows up with plenty of food and never has to hide food, then that child would not be a successful thief. Aladdin is also fearless when it comes to running on the top of buildings and leaping from on to another. That fearlessness would never have developed if it was not necessary to do such activities to escape capture.

    New: The adversity of being in poverty with no food and no shelter can cause people to develope certain traits that could help with survival. In the Disney Movie Aladdin there was the man Aladdin that was homeless and had no food to eat. Aladdin developes that ability to be incredibly sneaky and steal food without being seen. If a child grows up with plenty of food and never has to hide food, then that child would not be a successful thief. Aladdin is also fearless when it comes to running on the top of buildings and leaping from on to another. That fearlessness would never have developed if it was not necessary to do such activities to escape capture. This fearlessness does not only help with escaping capture, but it also helps with stealing food and other necessities for life. The adversity in his life has honed his skills and allowed him to adapt to the current situation that he is in.

    Luke Hudson P. 6

    • Luke, you had good commentary already, but I like how in your revised version you looped the fearlessness back into Aladdin’s need to steal food to survive. And AKFAEJOSDDDAADJAFDLFALWQOJRDQKQRFAKD: you went back to the thesis! That’s a good good good good good good good good boy.

      • I agree! I read through the old one and then read through your new one. Honestly, I thought they were both pretty dang good. Your new one is longer and includes more commentary to balance out your concrete details about Aladdin. and your additional commentary applies this example back to your thesis and therefore puts some weight behind your argument and gives it more power.

  37. 1. Perseverance in a cutthroat world can produce a stronger person. Rising to the occasion when others tell you there is no hope reveals either a brave, determined soul, or an idiotic one. Brave and determined happens less often, yet produces the greats results. Benjamin Franklin faces much adversity. Born as a poor man he rose quickly against all odds and and became one of America’s greatest minds. His love of competition produced an ingenious man.

    2.Perseverance in a cutthroat world can produce a stronger person. Rising to the occasion when others tell you there is no hope reveals either a brave, determined soul, or an idiotic one. Brave and determined happens less often, yet produces the greatest results. Benjamin Franklin faced much adversity. Being born the son of a candle-maker and a dyinh a wealthy printer, postmaster general, and ambassador was certainly no easy task. Perseverance led to greatness. Being content with a lukewarm “goodness” was not enough and resisting can lead to achieving excellence.

  38. Original:
    Cousin to self-sufficiency is management–more specifically self-management. Self-management is a talent held by most, yet unbeknownst to most. The few who know of this competent talent are the hardcore students of high-school and college. For example, in Washington state, there is a maniacal AP Language and Composition teacher named Ms. Kitchens. The majority of her students are in two other AP classes, are involved in sports, and are in, at the very minimum, one club. Unless one is unforgivingly haughty and says that even they could handle that, just about anyone on the street would say that that situation is an adversity. A so-called “prosperous circumstance” would possibly consist of attending the local alternative school. However, these students choose to put themselves in this adverse situation, for they understand and know that hard work is the way to learn. With being in that situation, they have been forced to bring all of their self-management skills up to par, to manage their time in order to be the best that they can be. If these students were to be in easy classes, they would not be bringing out any talents whatsoever, be they known or unknown.

    Newly Revised:
    Cousin to self-sufficiency is management–more specifically self-management. Self-management is a talent held by most, yet unbeknownst to most. The few who know of this competent talent are the hardcore students of college, such as aspiring medical students. Common is the knowledge that the long, difficult road to becoming a doctor is paved with broken pencils and Adderall. A student wanting to become a doctor is met with many adversities, such as fulfilling the credit requirements, paying tuition, midterm exams, and perhaps a social life if they are fortunate. Through this huge, sloppy mess of a schedule, the students must manage their time and values. As opposed to slacker students who have no need to self-manage, these medical students learn to manage themselves wisely, enhancing their burgeoning talent of self-management through this unfortunate circumstance.

    • Not only did you revise your commentary, but you completely changed your concrete detail into something more accessible to EVERYONE. *commence applause* I like how you tied it back in to ‘self-management’, too.

  39. Old Paragraph:
    Some peoples lives do not always start out as well as they hope, especially when they are born into a poor family. Children raised in this type of situation are very careful with any money they make because they know what it feels like to be poor.Through years of living in a family with only the neccesities, they begin to not enjoy spending money on things they find useless. My mother for example was raised as one of twelve children in a house with only a single parent and no money or real contact from the other.She learned at a young age if she wanted something she would have to earn it and pay for it herself. Even now she is very good with the handaling of money. This was a talent she might not have had if she had not been born into this type of family situation.

    New Paragraph:
    Some peoples’ lives do not always start out as well as they hope, especially when they are born into a poor family. Children raised in this type of situation are very careful with any money they make because they know what it feels like to be poor.Through years of living in a family with only the neccesities, they begin to not enjoy spending money on things they find useless.This sense of uslessness of things others’ might call intriguing helps all people from this type of situation retain their money rather then throw it away on anything that looks shiney and new. My mother for example was raised as one of twelve children in a house with only a single parent and no money or real contact from the other parent.She learned at a young age if she wanted something she would have to earn it and pay for it herself. Even now she is very good with the handling of money and is in charge of all our homes expenses not wasting a single dollar. This was a talent she might not have had if she had not been born into this type of family situation.

  40. Old Paragraph: Being strong is what life requires. When a person starts with nothing and ends with everything, then they had a prosperous life. Celebrities like Oprah Winfrey who starts as just another individual became a role model. Young adults who come from diverse backgrounds look up to her because they can relate to her hard life and how she never gave up on becoming who she wanted to be. Poverty can lock a person down and keep them there but when people like Oprah Winfrey push through they can not only prove themselves but their character becomes stronger and more sensitive around them because they know what it is like to be standing in their shoes.

    New Paragraph: Life requires being strong. When a person starts with nothing and ends with everything, then they had a prosperous life. Celebrities, like Oprah Winfrey, who start as just another individual in a big world became a role model. Young adults who come from diverse backgrounds look up to her because they can relate to her struggles in life and how she never gave up on becoming a successful woman despite her past. Poverty can lock a person down and keep them there but when people like Oprah Winfrey push through they can not only prove themselves but their character becomes stronger and more sensitive to those around them because they know what it is like to be standing in the other persons shoes. Before facing these hardships they may not have been able to see what they could be thankful for but by overcoming them they can go back and help others realize their advantage of having an adverse background.

  41. BP1: She was both afraid for her life and the lives of many others, and could not have accessed her abilities otherwise.

    This woman’s abilities are only activated by fear; her fear for her own life, and the lives of thousands of other people, including her partner, is the only way she was able to unlock her ability. Even in the most adverse conditions, she managed to be a hero.

    BP2: Having to go through this process procures skills for parenting that could be instrumental later in life, when they have children of their own.

    When someone who is still essentially a child is forced to step up and act as an adult, they have to deal with conditions and situations they are unprepared for. By being thrust into this new set of responsibilities, they are forced to think on their feet to get done what needs to be done. And by doing so, they have cultivated the skills that most children will take years to develop–some not even at all.

  42. Bridgette Petzoldt (period 3)

    Old Paragraph:
    It is by human nature that we adapt to pressing situations. At school, when a child is called up to the front of a classroom and asked to demonstrate an algebra problem on the board for his or her peers, the child has one of two choices: sit there and freak out, heart rate increasing, getting clammy and getting sweaty palms, or they can adapt and learn that deep inside of them they possess public speaking skills and take a few deep breaths, and eloquently solve the problem. Talents can arise from the depths of one’s conscious quite easily in a school setting because teachers frequently challenge the students to work hard and push themselves to the limit. Many times this is, in fact a strategy employed by the teachers to actually unlock that hidden well of talent contained inside of every student. Without pressures being placed upon students, they would never learn that they posses public speech-craft skill or that perhaps they are great bakers if a culinary teacher pushes them. If they are not pushed, placed in the fire and caused to struggle a bit, they would never learn that they need to adapt and change and society would wind up being far from perfect. Without trials to set out which individuals are good at what, within a century, all of society would collapse because the people in the society would not know what they are good at and what they love.

    New Paragraph:
    It is by human nature that we adapt to pressing situations. At school, when a child is called up to the front of a classroom and asked to demonstrate an algebra problem on the board for his or her peers, the child has one of two choices: sit there and freak out, heart rate increasing, getting clammy and getting sweaty palms, or they can adapt and learn that deep inside of them they possess public speaking skills and take a few deep breaths, and eloquently solve the problem. Talents can arise from the depths of one’s conscious quite easily in a school setting because teachers frequently challenge the students to work hard and push themselves to the limit. Many times this is, in fact a strategy employed by the teachers to actually unlock that hidden well of talent contained inside of every student. Without pressures being placed upon students, they would never learn that they posses public speech-craft skill or that perhaps they are great bakers if a culinary teacher pushes them. Teachers are not the only ones who pressure students. Peers push their friends as well. In many high schools, the main focus today is academics and it is becoming a highly competitive world. With students competing with each other over who has better grades or who is taking more impressive classes, they tend to push each other with motivation of bragging rights. This is even true in college, but it is at a much smaller level and many times, by that point, the students know what they need to do to succeed and how they need to adapt to the ever changing pressures, and end up pressuring themselves. If students are not pushed, placed in the fire and caused to struggle a bit, they would never learn that they need to adapt and change and society would wind up being far from perfect. Students and ordinary people alike need to learn to recognize their struggles, pay attention to how they were placed in the situation, and ultimately, adapt to the pressures in order to survive.

    • I really think that you did do a good job analyzing your old paragraph bridgette. Just by looking at the paragraph, you can see that it is visibly longer, and upon further reading, you realize it is a good amount of your commentary supporting your argument. However, it might just be me, but I believe maybe your argument would be more powerful if you used a more powerful example. Make your”pressing situation” really, really pressing.

  43. Bridgette Petzoldt (Period 3)
    Amelia, comment 45
    I am assuming that that is not your entire body paragraph. You need to post your entire paragraph! Also, consider replacing “this woman’s” with a more specific pronoun like she or the actual name. I would only suggest using “this woman’s” if you have already mentioned the name and want to avoid redundancy. Otherwise, I really like your new analysis pieces. Good job!

  44. Old Paragraph: Money will not reveal the skills of leadership either. During a financial hardship in a family, superb leadership skills are found that allow the family to survive. A dad who is trying to build a new house for his family will be willing to spend every evening aft er a full day working in a hot Boeing office working on the house. He will also take leadership over his household and give them all jobs to do . These leadership skills to build a a house did not come to him overnight in a dream. He stepped up because he had no money to hire a leader to manage his projects for him. This financial struggle causes leaders to emerge where they are detrimental for survival.

    New paragraph: Money will not reveal the skills of leadership either. During a financial hardship in a family, superb leadership skills are found that allow the family to survive. A dad who is trying to build a new house for his family will be willing to spend every evening aft er a full day working in a hot Boeing office working on the house. He will also take leadership over his household and give them all jobs to do . He will also give their friends jobs to do when they come over thinking they are just going to hang and relax, such as Phillip Conijin. These leadership skills to build a a house did not come to him overnight in a dream. He stepped up because he had no money to hire a leader to manage his projects for him. This father’s lack of a more prosperous financial situation allows his skills of leadership[ to emerge. His leadership talents were only discovered through his endeavor-filled financial hardship. This financial struggle causes leaders to emerge where they are detrimental for survival.

    • i like the real life example and think this new paraqgraph is better,but watch for spelling error. that might just be the yping though. it soes still sound a little choppy in places. you spelled my last name wrong to haha

  45. Old w/ Revisions: There is necessary sdversity between men. This is especially true for racism. Race has been one of our worlds mos twide spread adversities. This was the case for people such as Martin Luther King Jr. There is no problem with the color of our skin, but because people are afraid of change it became an issue. Martin Luther King Jr was tired of being in that situatio0n of descrimination and also seeing his fellow men treated the same way. this is what led to him taking a stand and realizing his amazing speeking ability. his adversity led to his realization of this great talent.

  46. Old Paragraph: Just as learning opportunities are available in all types of challenges, I have often observed that the more adversity that there is to overcome, the bigger the triumph will be when the person comes through the ringer and out onto the other side. Isaac Newton demonstrated this with one of his laws of forces in the natural world. For every force, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So, the more a person is challenged with a certain adversity, the greater the person tries to overcome it. The NBA star Michael Jordan is a perfect example of this. Everyone knows Michael Jordan now as one of the greatest basketball players that ever lived. However, he was cut from his high school basketball team in his sophomore year. this created in Jordan a drive to not only play baskeball better, but also be the best at it. He is only the best ever because he was put through this enormous adversity.
    New commentary: Because he was cut, Jordan could have just decided that he sucked at baskeball. However, he fought through it, and set himself up for success later on.

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