Post your RER sentences here as comments. Don’t forget to log back in to help edit others’ syntax. Remember to ultimately revise your own and write it on your essay paper.
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Ms. Kitchens' Corner 
1. “150 years ago, the competitiveness of the valedictorian title was not even close to how it is in modern days.”
Weak because: Word choice, does not read smoothly
2. “The valedictorian was easy to find with such different tasks in those different times.”
Weak because: Word choice, kind of short
“The competitiveness between valedictorians today has expanded intensely from its minute size a century ago.”
“With changing standards, finding one valedictorian has become immensly more difficult to do.”
(P.S. Nice rhyming!)
I didn’t even notice.. haha
short sentences can be strong. sometimes, they are the most powerful becuase they get right to the point. don’t be afraid to use short sentences and don’t always try to make them longer. sentence variation is good in essays. as for the first sentence, its a good idea. maybe weave a quote in there
“On the other hand, going to college really is not for everybody.”
-weakness: doesn’t relate to thesis, doesn’t exactly give much detail.
“When people weren’t all convinced they had to go to college for money or happiness, when times were simpler, then it was okay to name a valedictorian.”
-weakness: too long, not getting anywhere with all the words.
“On the contrary, attending college may not benefit some as it does others.”
“When times were simpler, and college was not necessary for one to achieve bliss and prosperity, naming a valedictorian was the clear choice, however….”
Aidan-
For the second sentence, possibly something like “when people were not all convinced they must attend college for success–when times were simpler–it was okay to name a valedictorian.” You dont lose too much of your own voice, just changing the word choices and syntax around helps.
The first sentence could be written like “On the other hand, the path of college is not suited for all students.”
Lindsay
“The title of Valedictorian has become a more sought after title than it was 150 years ago, when it was originally created”
Aidan
“Happiness and prosperity can be achieved in many ways depending on the individual, and college is not always necccesary.”
“Being a teenager and growing into adulthood is terrifying”
– Weak because: too short, vague
“Life has many paths to choose from, good and bad.”
-Weak because: too short, doesnt lead reader in
For your second sentence, the “appropriate” length depends on the sentences surrounding it. Sometimes short sentences are more helpful in creating tone and getting a point across than longer sentences. However, you could try elaborating on the path metaphor. You could say “Although one person’s path varies drastically from another’s, every individual’s path consists of twists, turns, terrifying trenches, and the option of the high road or the lowly shortcut.”
-“The difference is that going to a selective college automatically increases a persons expertise in their career.”
~Weak because it could be a little more descriptive.
-“The amount of happiness is from a graduate of a selective school is immense because they can live heir lives worry free.”
~Weak because it’s off topic.
1. “Teachers teach the same old thing and the ability to communicate eloquently with a higher vocabulary is slowly fading with the lack of beautiful masterpieces of literary merit”
-weak: too long, repetitive in the beginning.
2. “It should be about the writing”
-weak: ambiguous, not a complete sentence, and not really on topic.
For the 2 sentence how about “The curriculum should be about writing rather than reading.”
try breaking up the first sentance: “Teachers instruct the same old ideas and the same old lessons, while the ability to communicate eloquently, due to the possession of a large vocabulary, is slowly fading along with new beautiful masterpieces of literary merit.”
then even though it’s long it still sounds nice.
I like how the your second sentence is short and to the point. Try and get it a little more on topic by tying in what exactly you’re talking about to the writing, but keep it short.
Francisco:
The second sentence is choppy and doesn’t quite make sense in the beginning (maybe an extra word) “the amount of happiness is from a graduate…”
“Many contraversies have been made about having one valedictorian per school.” I think this sentence is weak because “have been made” makes it seem very elementary and a low level of writing.
“In earlier and simpiler times students did not make a fuss out of who became valedictorian because there were less people in high schools, and many people became housewives or farmers” I think this sentence is weak because it is a run on sentence and there are simple words that could be changed into more sophisticated words.
Mariah Johnston Pd 3
Maybe instead of “have been made” you could use “have developed.” I know that it doesn’t create a fantastic sentence, but I think “developed” might be less elementary.
Thank you!(:
“The competition to become valedictorian was never as tough as it is now, but more students find themselves striving for college and the title of valedictorian.”
Weakness: the repitition of the word valedictorian. I tend to overuse it in the essay.
“Back then it was focused on the students that were college bound, something more students do today.”
Weakness: there are some poor word choices. I feel like “back then” and “students do today” are not as strong as they could be.
For your first sentence, depending on its location in your essay, what if you completely eliminated the first “valedictorian?” It could read something along the lines of “The competition has never been more fierce, yet an ever increasing number of high school students strive for college, which students feel come hand in hand with giving the valedictory at graduation.”
As for your second, I feel like even just rearranging the word order could make this a stronger sentence. Such as “Today, an abounding amount of students are taking the collegiate path, unlike the past generations of college-bound students.”
“The fact that the race to acheive that goal is getting more and more competitive is a great happening.”
Weak: Poor structure and word choice. Very vague.
“That is bettering the whole next generation and is improving work ethic.”
Weak: Not really relevant to topic and poor word choice.
What about for #1: The rising competiton to achieve that goal is … wonderful, awesome, spectaclar, there’re a lot of choices to fill in at the end
“students are often deprived from the expiriences and learning from books nowadays”
weakness: poor word choice
“In conclusion you can now clearly see that teachers do not really teaching”
weakness: does not sound formal
#1: Students are often removed from their experiences in school by being forced to over analyze books
this improves the word choice and gets the point across
#2: You can now see that teachers aren’t really teaching us how to learn, but how to regurgitate useless definitions and words that we aren’t going to remember next year
This sounds more formal with an addition of words like regurgitate and more of an explination
1. “Entering one’s freshman year of high school, people will often notice students already beginning to strive for college, including colleges and universities they have yet to know of.”
Weaknesses: last bit is a fragment, poor word choice in “people will. . . strive for college”
2. “The prize of valedictorian was to recognize a student who often goes unrecognized in the public for academic achievements.”
Weaknesses: overuse of forms of “recognize” and word choice for “academic achievements”
2. Look for words similar to recognize to replace one, or maybe even both, reordering the sentence and replacing other words if necessary. Maybe replace achievements with more powerful words like victory or triumph
“If you cannot value a books content, then it becomes harder to fully analyze it.”
Weak: Poor word choice
“valuing literature is crucial in analyzing a book effectively”
Weak: Vague, needs more detail
2. Maybe add a word or two, or rearrange the sentence, like maybe “When one analyzes literature, it is crucial…” and maybe replace a couple words to liven it up, like crucial to imperative and effectively to efficacy
“Teachers provide extra help to all students, not an elite few.”
Weak: Awkward length and syntax, not telegraphic, not quite periodic or loose. Poor word choice, and somewhat useless
“As the students near the end of their high school career, they realize something there are others who challenge them for valedictorian.”
Weak: Left a word or phrase out after “something” and before “there”, poor word choice, not very strong/meaningful
“Teachers not only provide help to the elite students, they provide help to all students.”
“As students have the end of their high school career in sight, they realize that they aren’t the only students competing for the title of valedictorian.”
As students approach the end of their high school career, they become aware that other students are competing for valedictorian as well.
A colon after “something” would help.
“William Shakespeare, a master of language, had the ability to stack metaphors one up on the other in a beautiful array of layered meanings which delved deeply into the hearts and minds and hearts of those who had the honor of witnessing his masterpieces unfold on the stage before their eyes”
-weakness: too long. runs on too much for an opening sentence.
“They realise they must continually grind their brains for moree than the ten seconds a teacher allows for a class to think before they give the answer for lack of time”
-weakness: weird wording/syntax
Freddy: For the second one, maybe if you move around the order. Like, “During the fleeting ten seconds the class is permitted to think, they realize that they must grind their minds continually, even after the ten seconds have passed.” Everything past ‘before’ just confuses the entire sentence.
Fredachinni al-Fred-O,
your first sentence is pretty well written. Just dos cosas:
1. Lop off the “and hearts” after minds to avoid redundancy.
2. Try to use a sexy semicolon in there to give the reader a mental break. Maybe after “layered meanings”, then do a little rearranging to make sure it works. Then you can separate Shakespeare’s amazing metaphors from how they impacted the viewers, but still keep the ideas connected.
“Instead it would be difficult and grueling, unlike the time period in which all were living”
-Weak because it is vague and I could have used a smoother word choice.
“Oddly enough, she is now a medical student, ready for a successful life as a doctor.”
-Weak because anti-climatic, I started talking about her success, but I finished abruptly without explanation.
Freddy, your William Shakespeare sentence is very “pretty,” but that is what is making it a run on. Try taking out some of those decorative parts and see what happens.
Examples: “one up on the other”
“layered meanings”
“hearts and minds and hearts of those who had the honor”
Riley, your last sentence could be awkward because of the word “something,” try taking it out and see what happens.
“With how students are so driven to succeed, it is not a surprise valedictorians are being questioned.
-Awkward sentence, poor word choice, needs rewording
“Now, being at the top of the class is the difference between a thousandth of a point and two thousandths of a point”
-“thousandth…. thousandths” becomes quite a mouthful, poor word choice
For your first sentance, maybe rewrite the beginning with “Considering the fact that many students are so driven to succeed..” it seems a little smoother to me.
With the insurmountable drive to succeed, it is no surprise valedictorians are being questioned
“This is not a good message to future generations…”
-vague, poor word choice
“Knowing this, their sole purpose is to get into college”.
-poor word choice, summarizing instead of defending, short and vague
Riley:
1. Maybe combine with another thought. Stronger word choice could help. For example: “Teachers offer additional help to all students…. etc”
2. Remove ‘something’ does not sound formal. Try different word choice: “As students anxiously near graduation…. etc”
Maddie Friend:
#1: It is a great happening that this goal-setting is turning into a competitive race.
#2: Because of this, work ethic is improving and the next generation, overall, is getting better.
“Teaching students to value is the same idea” I’m going to need ideas.
“Some students just will not value reading” need better word choice
for the second sentence, how about: No matter what, certain students will simply never value reading. If you play with the syntax a little you might be able to switch some different words in.
Rachel:
#1: Maybe turn it into two sentences: “Students, nowadays, are being so pressured to succeed. It is not a surprise that valedictorian is turning into a questionable honor.”
#2: “Now, there is an incredibly fine line between being top of the class and salutatorian.”
1) “Those who go to college and those who don’t may be the most significant fissure in American society.” This is a quote. Just a quote. Sitting in the middle of a paragraph without any introduction. Being all awk and stuff.
2)Students have realized how direly important a college degree is. They will do anything to get one. I just kinda think these two sentences didn’t flow together and should be conjoined.
“Students have realized how direly important a college degree is, and, in many cases, will stop at nothing to attain one.” However, I personally think that the two you have go together well because of their variety of length. Maybe extend the first sentance to stretch/ emphasize this variance in length even more
She was unable now to be a valedictorian, because she had a 4.0, whereas other students who have taken the A.P. class had a G.P.A. of above 4.0.
Weaknesses: Tense problems, runs on a bit,does not read smoothly
Many high school students nowadays know exactly what career they wish to pursue, and the pressure of becoming a valedictorian is just another weight to carry along their path to success.
Weaknesses: Run-on sentance (maybe split into two sentances), metaphor seems forced
Issac: The first sentence could be divided into two seperate sentences, to help elaborate on the whole unfairness of the competition and to help vary sentence lengths.
And the second, I don’t think the metaphor would seem so forced if you split and elaborated those sentences as well, and included the metaphor in both. It helps connect the dots for the reader a little bit.
1.Since this status has grown in importance since first created the participants are finding any way ti stay ahead.
-used since twice
-no commas
2. When the world was not so desperate.
-fragment
1. Valedictorian is a goal in school, just as there are many more in life and being able to chase a goal for four years of school not only makes kids top of their class, but strong willed characters that will imporve the world.
Weak because: feels like a run on sentence
2.Negative connotations often bear over the positve connotations connected with Valedictorian and school ranks.
Weak because: Word choice, syntax
Tori,
sent#1: you used college twice in one sentence try replacing either one with a synonym
sent#2: instead of “was to” you could use “was given to” and instead of recognize….unrecognized you can change recognize to glorify or uphold.
Un: In modern society, that is, American society, children grow up from sixth grade to their senior year in high school being told that they must succeed, they must try, and they absolutely without a doubt go to college.
–weird appositives
–way too long
–not interesting
Deux: In a particular example of such simplicity, a man named Bill Gates.
–it just sounds dumb and haughty
–and I don’t like the dependent clause
–and the independent clause isn’t very independent
Deux Revisited: A particular example of such simplicity is a man named Bill Gates.
-Fixes your independent/dependent clause problem(s), but still sounds pretty haughty 😀
Grace:
#1- “The honor of valedictorian has grown in significance and status since its origin. Many students are finding ways to keep up with its increasing expectations.”
#2-“The beginnings of valedictorian was made when the world was not so desperate.” Give more details to support your sentence, or the reader will not know what you are talking about.
For the second sentence: “beginnings” is plural but “was” is singular. Change that to “were”, add what the world is desperate for and you have a very solid sentence.
1. Once being named valedictorian, that does not permit you are the smartest student on the planet.
Weak: bad word choice ( permit, and planet). And using the phrase “smartest person on the planet” clogs up the sentence and makes it sound weak.
2. And the competition is just as brutal.
Weak: Weak sentence in general, lacking description and detail.
1. Countless hours of homework and studying, competing to be the top student.
-fragment
-vague
2. The quote means that in the community the Valedictorian served a big part.
-word choice
-not enough details
-not interesting
Bridgette:
1. I feel as though you are missing a verb from the first part before the comma. Depending on what you were trying to say, you may need a subject too. To clarify, If you wanted to say “Countless hours of homework and studying were spent”, you would just add in the verb, then get rid of the comma. New sentance: Countless hours of homework and studying were spent competing to be the top student.
However, you could also add in a different subject, then the “hours” would function as a direct object. So, with some other minor revisions, the sentence could read: “Bridgette wasted countless hours doing homework and studying, competing to be the top student.
Now my personal preference would be to add a dash into the last sentence to make it more dramatic: “Bridgette wasted countless hours doing homework and studying — all in the competition to be the top student.
Hope it helps!
The first sentence is not a sentence because there is no verb. The second sentence needs a comma after “that” and then again after “community” if you would like to keep it like the same because it is an appositive. Also, it could use a little detail as it is a little boring.
1) A title nearly obsolete in most high class colleges considering most people there are valedictorians of their own respective high schools.
– fragment
– feels like i am missing a punctuation
2) These young adults, especially the competitive ones, fight for the right to be the valadictorian.
-vague
-could use better word choice
Brianna:
1. your first sentence is missing a predicate in the first part. I’m not saying this is the most fancy way to rewrite it, but adding “is” between “A” and “title” would make the sentence grammatically logical. Also, try adding a more definitive article before title, like replacing “A” with “the”.
2. I feel like your second sentence could use a little bit of syntactical work. Try moving the appositive to the end of the sentence. That way the appositive doesn’t interrupt the clause, and we have a better idea of who is fighting to be valedictorian.
P.S.: This is just my personal preference, but I feel as though the little rhyme “fight for the right” is a little cheesy.
Grace,
For the second sentence you could try to simply put in a rephrased version of the main point of the sentence before or after it to help it make more sense and help it to connect to the text around it.
1. “Even though Barker was not named a valedictorian, she still became a great person who is contributing to the world we live in”.
Weaksauce: I don’t even know where to begin really, so I’m just going to pick a place and start. I feel like the “even” could be replaced with a better word. It just feels like it doesn’t fit with the sentence. Second of all, the part :” became a great person who is contributing to the world we live in” just kind of sucks. How do I know she became a great person? not to mention the word “great”. Finally, onto what I feel is sooooooooo wrong with this, is that I wrote “we”. Curse you first person writing. Why are you so easy to overlook?
2. “This causes the valedictorian to lose credibility”.
Weakness: Put into the context, this sentence really doesn’t do a lot for me. I feel like I could explain more with some more analysis.
Kyle,
Your second sentence all depends on the content around it. This short and to the point sentence just adds (should add at least) emphasis to whatever your argument was earlier.
Thanks Zumba!
Lindsay,
To try and get it to sound smoother try to rewrite the sentence how you think someone from Britan would write it. That is how i smooth out alot of sentences because we always think of the british having a better way with words then most americans. Putting yourself in that mindset might help you rewrite it in a smoother way.
1) “Some teachers choose to teach novels with only the intention of allowing a student to learn the history behind it, however, this should not be the case in any high school English class, the purpose should be to make the students invested in the characters and the environment surrounding such characters.”
Weakness: Run on. However is placed in placed in an odd place. Lack of examples.
2) “A sub-par novel may have a wonderful point or moral or even plot line to it, but cannot make many people emotionally connected.”
Weakness: Overuse of the word “or”. Poor word choice.
Shannon (comment #20):
For number one try “Sending a message such as this to students of future generations will have detrimental effects.”
Tori, for your first sentence try re-arranging some of the phrases and using “already endeavoring” instead of the strive bit!
“many parents believe [the valedictorian status] is necessary for their child to go to a great college, but Talbot even writes that students say the valedictorian status doesn’t even matter once in college.”
-this was a perfect chance for me to use a quote and i didn’t. And its just poorly written.
“A 4.3 GPA is still going to get a student into college even though a 4.5 beat him out to being a valedictorian.”
-could be worded better and more eloquently.
For the first one i agree that you should put a quote in, use the one that was from the girl student that is in college now and her being valedictorian never came up between her and her roomate.
1: With several openings, students would feel less pressure to attain the highest spot.
Weaknesses: lack of power words. somewhat bland in general.
2: It is simply an award, an incentive to encourage better student performance.
Weaknesses: does not describe to the extent that it should. The “to” should be removed for better flow.
1) “All around even if they are competing, this gives students something to push themselves for.”
Weakness: It does not relate back to thesis
2)”Having valedictorians has been a tradition for quite a while.”
Weakness: Not very descriptive and it does not relate back to thesis or conclude the body paragraph.
1)for this one. you should put “Valedictorians should be kept because they are a tradition even if they are competing, this gives students something to push themselves for.”
2) you should say that but turn it into 2 sentences and say This proves that their should be valedictorians because it is a tradition to our culture.
for #1, it also is not very clear what you are trying to say, and there should be a comma between “around” and “even”
for #2, try not to use passive tense, and “quite a while” is not a very good ending for a sentence. Maybe put in a quote describing how long exactly its been around, or something more about the history of being a valedictorian.
” Playing a sport plus being smart can help you in life by trying to be the best person you can be but only one student can be Valedictorian.”
I need to explain the connection.
“Some Valedictorians don’t end up going to college.”
Vague. needs more explanation.
for the 2nd sentence, don’t do anything to it. you want to explain it more, so do that in the next sentence. short sentences can be very powerful. the idea you put in the reader’s head with that sentence is great and i wouldn’t change it one bit.
Freddy is right. Short sentences often times have the most power. Part of that sentence sounds choppy though. The “by trying to be the best person” part sounds a little weird. Maybe change the “trying to” and maybe find a better adjective than best. Other than that, Freddy covered it.
Miranda (comment #4): To make your sentence have more length and description you could add the stressfree characteristics of being a teenager and the things teens may not have to worry about and then also describe the responsibilities and stressful situations that come along with being an adult; in other words you could compare and contrast.
“However, the valedictorian award is helpful to some that have not participated in many other activities or those who don’t have outstanding rewards besides with their academics.”
I’m not sure if this should be split into two sentences or what should be done here but I do know that it sounds very choppy.
However, to those that have not participated in extracurriculars, the valedictorian award is a powerful award to strive for.
Try rearranging the same ideas and using less words to say the same thing, if you use a lot of words to describe one word it makes it sound too long.
“Although many people strive for it, it is not brutally fought over, it is not necessary to attend an exceedingly selective college, and attending such a college is not needed to ensure wealth and happiness.”
I was accidentally answering the background information of the prompt, but this sentence still sounds like it drags on. How could I break this up into two sentences or at least make it flow smoother?
“It” is referring to being a valedictorian.
I think instead of putting it, you should put Valedictorian because it sounds better then it. So you could say “Although many people strive for Valedictorian, it is not brutally fought over. Valedictorian is not necessary to attend an exceedingly selective college, and attending such a college is not needed to ensure wealth and happiness.” It sounds better to put it in 2 sentences but other then that it is a good sentence.
you should definatly replace “it” with valedictorian. i think even then it would still work as one sentence. As long as the sentences that are around it are shorter it will be fine.
Change your it to Valedictorian and instead of the second comma end the sentence. And try and turn the next part into a new sentence
“The students do not understand that even if they are still not valedictorian that the colleges will still except them”
It feels choppy in the middle of the sentence
“The honor of valedictorian now has so little value that all it means is the student speaks at graduation”
“Today, the accepted norm is that being wealthy means happiness.”
Weakness: normmmmmm.
(I am ashamed I even thought about writing this)
“That struggling to pay your bills means unhappiness and bad luck.”
Weakness: Seems like it should be a part of another sentence.
Sammei:
I absolutely love your long sentences! In your first sentence you should change the the “modern society, that is,” and change it to Modern American society (so that the awkward appositive). Then take out the “high school” after “senior year.” And I think that the absolutely without a doubt part is too conversational, you should instead change it to “must” and continue with the parallelism for unity.
For the second sentence you should rephrase it as “Bill Gates, is a particular example of such simplicity.”
“When asked to pick a favorite book assigned in an English class, does anyone really have one?”
Weakness: It’s a question within formal writing; Not addressing the prompt.
“Teachers and students can still turn it around and learn to love reading again, they just need to expand the curriculum.”
Weakness: Simple; Not addressing the prompt; Word choice on ‘curriculum’.
1) “The title Valdeictorian should be given out to students because it is a mentionable achievement when applying to schools.”
weak because I didn’t really explain why. Also this just ends and I dont keep talking about this.
2) “Working towards something gives a person determination and allows them to set goals.”
weak because I think it sounds awkwar, and is really stereotypical
for your first sentence i think that if you talk about what it is mentionable for and not that it is just mentionable it would make this a much stronger and informational sentence.
“However, for those students who want to get into the best schools or just obtain as much academic success as possible, then those are the students who strive for the title of ‘Valedictorian’.”
Weaknesses: Too long, unnecessary.
“Not allowing students the chance at ‘Valedictorian’ may crush long-held hopes and goals for those who wanted the title.”
Weaknesses: Little informational use, unnecessary.
i think that it will work as long as it is surrounded by shorter sentences to add that comttrast.
“college opens up so many more opportunities in life”
weakness: poor word choice, not smooth
“You just cannot give up on what you are doing.”
weakness: 2nd person, poor word choice, doesn’t fit in right with what is being said.
In the modern life of a high school teenager, there is always pressure.
-It has too much passive tense.
Pressure is increased, in all ways, when a prize is put on the end.
-Passive tense again, and kinda awkwardly worded.