EEK! Here’s the place to post your underdeveloped paragraph!
Happy revising!
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EEK! Here’s the place to post your underdeveloped paragraph!
Happy revising!
Ms. Kitchens' Corner 
The stockmarket is like the backbone to America. It is one of the major components to our economys cycle. Whatever we as consumers do affects it. In whatever way the stockmarket is affected ends up retaliating right back at us. With nobody buying anything for a day would essentially cause the stockmarket to reach a stand still. That would be like notfeeding your work horse but still expecting them to do something in turn. The stockmarket is not going to do anything for the consumer unles the comsumer does something for it. In whole it is the consumers that make the world go round.
I think that the word choice regarding “whatever” is slowing your sentences down. You could change it for a much stronger word or phrase. I would relate the stock market to the economy, explain HOW it effects us. It would help elaborate and clear up a question I’ve had for a while: why exactly is the stock market important?
Yep. I agree with Annie. “Whatever” is vague; can you find one or two words that might explain some of the “whatevers” we do to the economy? Perhaps you could add a line about the untapped power of the consumer–a power that can be used for good and evil. (And then drag your pinkie to the outside corner of your mouth…)
If Buy Nothing Day was to go international, the effects would reverberate across the planet. Many countries; including Greece, America, and the Republic of Ireland; are suffering for economic strife. These nations rely on importing and exporting goods to keep the economy flowing. Greece, for example, is almost bankrupt. To take away all commerce with the rest of the planet would be devastating. This Balkan nation is too small to withstand something like this in the way that a larger nation, like China can. The recovery of the Greek economy would be set back months by this single day of no commerce. America has a similar, yet smaller, problem. To bring us out of the many trillions of dollars in debt, we must first stop accumulating it. By delaying the recovery of the ecomony, Buy Nothing Day would lower America deeper in debt. The world as a whole needs countries like America to function because she exports and imports so much to and from so many other countries. To cripple her would be crippling the planet.
Ignore the spelling errors. I can’t figure out how to edit my comments.
To be honest this is a pretty solid paragraph. I think that maybe the ending is a little dramatic, so you may want to edit that out and end the paragraph with “Buy Nothing Day would lower America deeper in debt”. It would work well and tie back to your thesis.
Weylin–SO nice to see your words in a readable format! I notice as I read over your paragraph that many of your sentences are simple, declarative sentences. (Nothing to do with development, mind you, just a side note.) I think the analysis in this paragraph is working well, and it is developed.
I like that you used support from around the world and then brought it back to America, which buy nothing day is aimed at, if i remember correctly. This is a very well-developed paragraph with strong claims: “To bring us out of the many trillions of dollars in debt, we must first stop accumulating it.” is very good. Perhaps a little more back up on this claim, and tying into your thesis, would help.
I think this paragraph is very well developed. There is not much you need to change. This was what I was trying write, but I could not put mine into the right words.
The economy is a cycle-based system. The consumer has money, so they spend it at a store of some kind. By spending that money, they are paying the owners and operators of that whole establishment, from the CEO to the cashier. With that money the employees spend their money at another establishment, and the cycle continues. To stop buying things, even for a day, would halt that cycle and cause an establishment to crumble and fall.
Though the last dependent clause was a little dramatic, I actually think this is a solid passage. You could use a colon after “cycle-based system” and then use semi-colons to separate the rest, but it’s pretty smooth. I especially like that you started the last three sentences with prepositions (^.^) for parallel structure.
“At a store of some kind”–this is the perfect place to use detail: Walmart, Target, Fred Meyer, Macy’s, etc. Details make your writing pop! Perhaps you could talk about the nature of a cycle, how one shift in the wheel disrupts the entire movement, and at this time, how this can’t be afforded. You lay out your CD well, but there is little analysis based on it. Can you tie it back into your thesis?
The day, in itself, is a good idea. It’s a positive message people should at least be aware about. If they choose not to be a part of it then there shouldn’t be backlash. Everyone has their own opinions, and thus the right to act. It would be the equivalent of trying to get people to only bike or walk everywhere; for many people it just can’t be done. The same holds true for this “Buy Nothing Day”: some people can’t miss a day of shopping, and others rely on each salary they get, day by day.The money that could’ve been made on “Buy Nothing Day” could be crucial in someone’s life.
Eep, I hate this paragraph so much. One of those “What was I thinking?” moments.
Have at it.
I don’t think it’s terrible at all, it just doesn’t flow too well.
The first thing I saw was “good” and it made me think of Ms. Schumacher, so I guess word choice is something to watch there. The second sentence is ended with a preposition, but only I would notice that 😛 I feel, also, like it’s really general… you say “people” like four times, haha.
“the day, in itself, is a good idea” and, “Everyone has their own opinions, and thus the right to act.” are like the “duh” sentences Mrs. Kitchens mentioned. They have great explanations following them, and you bring it back to the prompt effectively, but you should make your claims stronger and maybe more sophisticated. The ending sentence is a good start to add some great concrete detail to.
Yep, I agree with Linnea. The last sentence is perhaps a topic sentence, with a theoretical example needed under it: describe the money that wasn’t made and how it will affect payroll, purchasing, bonuses, etc.
I think that it’s right at the edge of being awesome, it’s just missing that little something. It almost feels like it needs a little more voice, and a little more commentary. At the same time, another concrete example would be good. An example of a family that needs each paycheck, maybe.
For humans to close their eyes to out environment and keep buying without any remorse about what we’re doing to our world is selfish. A “Buy Nothing day” might help to open our eyes.
First off, its not even an entire paragraph.
Second, it’d be okay if I hadn’t already said this THREE THOUSAND times in my paper. Its super redundant.
Third, there is no concrete detail. Its a sub-claim, but then it just stops and I move on to my next idea.
Ok, so it isn’t a full paragraph. But it has awesome potential.
You have an excellent idea, you just need to expand it a little bit.
In what ways is Consumerism hurting our world? How are we selfish? What reasons do we have to be remorseful?
Try adding details like ^ that in to your essay.
Excellent questions to help expand ideas, Melissa!
Even to those few companies who depend on daily sales, a single day out of 365 could not make too significant of an impact. I, for one, have never seen an article about how leap-years and non-leap years affect rates of consumerism, for better or for worse.
You could try expanding on the idea, that one day is of little significance in the broader spectrum of a year.
Right, as in, won’t consumers simply withhold purchases for a day, but then double their spending the next? Or perhaps the day falls on a day they’d not shop anyway (5 of 7 days a week, I don’t spend money, but I empty my allowance on those two days!)
You should expand on the idea. Maybe delve deeper into why it would have no or slight effect.
Buy Nothing Day has some negative implications. The United States is billions of dollars in debt. When consumers purchase items, they are in a small way helping both the economy and the nation stay afloat. There are often stories on the news that describe how, when there is a consumer decrease in purchases the economy goes down. The “overconsumerism” may not be such a bad trait, in this aspect.
I think that all this is missing is a concrete detail or a solid example with some more commentary afterwords.
I would just lengthen it a bit and expand on the idea. I think lengthening the introduction part of the paragraph and then talk more about how over consumerism is part of why the United States is in debt. I guess connect it a bit more.
Compulsive spending is the leech on many families. Someone just wants, and when they want it, they get it. My own mother’s compulsive spending ran my family into thousands of dollars of dect. Buying nothing for just one dave gives these spenders a day to stop. A day to for them to stop.
Oh my bleehhhhh, not only does this suck. It isn’t even really a paragraph and just looked like one because I write huge. Le bleh!
The idea presented in the first sentence is a great way to start a new idea. This can be branched out to talk about the “Want vs. Need” in modern society as well was the effect that this has when the economy is suffering as it is. The last sentence seems to be a little out of place, and I have never been a big fan of personal examples in essays, so I would try to change that if you can think of a concrete detail from somewhere else to work with.
Like weylin says the way you begin is going in a good direction, I’d keep the part about your own experince but then maybe relate that to the general public.
i think that this paragraph has a great idea to it. You just need to bring it full circle. Give some examples of an unnecessary items that people often just buy for the heck of it. or talk about how this has become such a normal part of life for most people.
Maybe I’m being a little bit-picky, but your second sentence doesn’t feel like it flows. “Someone just wants” leaves the reader wanting–what does this someone want? Provide visuals and examples to allow the reader to sit back and enjoy the show.
Elaborate on what would happen if the spenders like your mom–and mine–stopped? Examples and commentary on them. And I don’t know if it’s just because you might’ve been rushing to type this or exceedingly tired, but your last two sentences clash and say the same thing…? Just a note. I think it’s got a lot of potential, once expanded on.
Clarify a bit maybe? “Someone just wants, and when the want it, they get it.” Its indirect, and slightly confusing. And the last two sentences are redundant. It would work if you expanded on the idea of your mom’s compulsion.
In reality buy nothing day would result in torture for the consumers of America. 24 hours with zero purchases would help America differenciate between their needs and their wants. America has become the land of the free and the home of the greedy. The day would prevent these ways.
An awkward ending, and not enough backup
An example of why purchacing nothing for 24 hours would help America would support what you are saying and would add more into your paragraph.
some conrcete detail and commentary before that last sentence might help, i also agree that the last sentence is awkward.
I agree with the awkward ending bit, and I’m not sure “torture” is the word I’d use.. maybe a bit over dramatic?
Although many people take part in this Canadian-originated Day, overconsuming will continue. Yes, the economy is down, but people will still continue buying what they want, when they want it. Fast-food restaraunts like McDonalds or Jack in the Box will and are continuing to multiply across the world. Other convienient stores like Costco and even online are always open and always will be.
I think a good thing to do would be to talk about why people will still buy what they want and then use that to talk about fast food restaurants.
I agree with Julia relate those stores back to buy nothing day and the people.
I understand the point you are making but it would help to make it even clearer that buy nothing day will have no affect on the way people buy things.
By taking a stance and being involved in a “Buy Nothing Day” The world will be shown how over consumption is a serious issue. When participating, a person, no matter how wealthy or how poor will experience how not purchasing any type of product for a day would affect their lives. This day show not be limited only to over consumers but to all people who buy goods on a regular basis. In the book Animal Vegetable Miracle *I don’t know how to underline this on the website so don’t get mad at me!* by Barbara Kingsolver she chooses not to buy processed foods for a year and grown her own. By not excessively consuming goods for her family to live off, she learned more about life and how to help the economy. With a “Buy Nothing Day” it would be an experience for people and families to open their eyes about overconsumption and the damage it may cause to the econmy.
*economy
Overall it is a very well written paragraph. One thing that could be added to support your thesis is how not only would a Buy Nothing Day open famalies minds to overconsumption but also how families can reconnect. Maybe just work on adding voice to the paragraph would be my advice.
Thesis: I disagree and challenge this day and believe that although there are positive aspects to this idea America cannot afford a break from spending.
underdeveloped paragraph:
Excessive buying is not wrong, but it is also not exactly right. Every year newer goods are brought out on sale, and these goods may or may not be good for the planet. It doesn’t matter to the public they just want what they want. This day is meant to “expose the environmental and ethical consequences of over consumption.” ( “Buy Nothing Day,” Courtesy Ad busters.www.adbusters.org) Everyone knows cars are unhelpful to the environment, and yet people still buy them.
My thoughts: I feel like this paragraph doesn’t really pertain to my argument, and i really was just looking to fill up space. its just ick.
1. In between the 2 independent clauses of the 2nd sentence i feel it is missing something. Take the second part of it out or re word. “Every year newer goods are brought out on sale, good or bad the people want what they want”
2. Try to add some good concrete detail then commentary bringing it back to the thesis instead of the last sentence.
Probably take out the “exactly” in the first sentence, it would make it sound more abrasive. Random: there should be a comma after “every year.” I feel like the word “good” is used too often, whether it be an adjective or a plural noun. I’d reference AVM concerning the whole car situation or just supplies in general that have to ruin the environment to exist. Don’t worry so much about getting an exact quote from AVM, it’s okay to work around it or summarize the things Kingsolver said. As long as you’re not putting words in here mouth, ha.
It could pertain more if you didn’t…..waiiiittt is this the counterargument for your thesis? If it was, it would work very well. Because then you could turn it around and say that however unhealthy some things are, like cars, they are a necessity to the modern life. No person could maintain a job without a car. And then branch on it.
If this wasn’t your counter argument, theeeennnn I’d suggest throwin’ it out? Ha. Unless you could take the whole “the public…just want[s] what they want” thing and talk about how it’s their right to do with their money what they will?
In a life time, you have no extra money to spend. At this point is when saving money from that 24hrs helps. If you participate, take that 20 or 30 dollars you would have spent and put it in a box and save it for an emergency in the future.
The idea you give about Buy Nothing Day allowing for a person to add a little money to their “Rainy Day Fund” is sound, for most people save money for that purpose. I think the way you present the idea is almost a call to action rather than a sub-claim, so some rewording is in order to allow for this example to become a sub-claim, which you can then build off of, using the last part of the paragraph as commentary.
The points made are good, except for the fact is the populations of those in certain situation are low. The world needs this day for more than just a money saving standpoint. In America, this day will bring the nation together. For the one day a year, there will be no rich or poor. No one person can get more than another. There will be only just. Simple people living hand in hand who are all searching for a better world. A person will not be known for the amount of cash in their wallet, but amount of love in their heart. That is exactly what this world needs.
I think this is a really fantastic point, and your wording kicks ass. I think the first sentence, especially with “good” right up front kind of hobbles along in comparison into the rest of your paragraph; so maybe focus on bringing all your sentences to the same level.
I also kind of feel like you might lose the reader a bit because you keep saying “the day” without referencing back to BND, so maybe toss that in once more just to reaffirm the topic you’re on.
You’ve provided the striking images, now all that’s left is that last oomph! of commentary.
A Buy Nothing Day would also show how the things we buy effect the economy. I believe that if people would keep things for longer than a year our economy would be better than it is today. People are so focused on trying to buy the new thing when it comes out that they forget the one they just bought is still practically new. An example of this would be the rich celebrities who buy a new Bentley and then the next year they get rid of the old one and buy another one. This shows that our society is totally based on consumerism.
You give a strong sub-claim. One of the main things that I see that could make your essay more powerful are more implicit transitional sentences. they are there but to make them more smooth and flow in your paragraph, that is the tricky part… Also just try and spice up the vocabulary.
Banks all around the United States were selling mortgages to people that really were not reliable in making there payments-toxic waste- and then after would sell to other banks soon this created a domino effect where banks were going belly up and people took their money and burried it so to speak. This made the economy crash , but the one thing President Bush said was spend your money. What, spend money? President Bush new that by putting money back into the system it would slowly stabalize the economy. So even though we are a consumer nation if we do not put enough money into the government the economy will crumble.
Apology: This is about the most disgusing paragraph I have ever written! Sorry if you have to force yourself to push through I had a hard time typing it!!! Yuk! :p
Oh and my stance is disagree with the Buy Nothing Day
Might want to tie in the beginning a little more, feels a little rambly (yes I made that word up). Put in some kind of transition at the beginning like “American’s don’t need to be told to spend less, do you remember when…” and then launch into your paragraph.
-If you think your paragraph was bad-which it wasn’t-you should look at mine…it’s like three sentences!! (oh the horror!)
~Shannon F.
😀
Thanks for the advice Shannon 😀 And I’m sure yours isnt that bad
Paragraph is a little wordy. Try focusing more on just getting your point across then fill it with CD and commentary like you did with the President Bush statement.
The countries who have the best economies,(relatively), do not have “excessive consumerism”. China, the leading producer of goods worldwide, sells more than they potentially buy. China’s economy is one of the best despite having 2 billion people living there. On the other hand, Greece has not been selling enough to equalize the weight the government has been spending. Their economic fall-out resulted in over-buying. For Greece, an annual Buy Nothing Day would work. For China, the Chinese need to buy to keep up with the rate at which they are selling goods. Both countries need to have an equal balance of buying and selling to have a perfect economy.
You could add more of your opinion/stance and expand on how the Buy Nothing Day would work in the US compared to in Greece and China.
On Buy Nothing Day, people can save money and use that saved money on something better another day. Many people buy things on a daily basis. These things may include items as simple as food or as unneeded as extra clothes. Furthermore, people will go shopping when they are bored, have “nothing better to do”, and have money. Buy Nothing day would at least try to prevent that from happening and save people money.
*facepalm* ^
The idea in the first sentence is solid. Like many of us said to others, this idea can be expanded. You could possibly say that BND could help people differentiate wants and needs.
Too many repeated words. I see a possible attempt at parallel structure though? It’s all very simple and is lacking concrete detail to back it up; without facts, it feels like you’re rambling. “Things:” lways a weak word…
HA, if you wanted, you could reference that song about putting a penny in your pocket on a rainy day or however the heck that goes…aaaanyway. For a better, supportive concrete detail I’d suggest…actual facts of the ridiculous prices of dresses that celebs buy. Maybe not even actual facts. Just reference it, because everybody knows that it’s true. But to make it more believable talk about a magazine it might be in…So beginning with, “in any [underlined] People’s magazine, there will be a celebrity that decided to buy….” etc. Or reference how even people with little to no money still get all hyped up about getting an iPad when they don’t need one. I’d highly suggest referencing AVM for textual evidence.
I’m assuming in your thesis you were supporting Buy Nothing Day. So in the end reconnect with how it’s a good example to avoid the misfortunes of over-spending.
Your first sentence states clearly what you are trying to say, but the rest of the paragraph seems like it is rambling just a little bit. I do see some parallel structure. The word choice could be better:) for example maybe you could have said,” The population is known for buying unneeded items on a daily basis such as extra clothes or luxury foods.”
In the third sentence, contrast the two items you present. Rather than saying “as simple” use, perhaps, “as necessary” to counter the “unneeded” placed with the second item. Create a stronger contrasting view between the two.
LDAKJGOERIHGAKJ frustrating bad internet connection can die!!!!!! Anyways…
So for the third time.
“However, people tend to forget and often, who knows why, do not learn from their mistakes. Twenty-four hours is not a time lengthy enough for the brain to retain. Even Barbara Kinsolver, the author of a nonfiction book called [underlined] Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, describes how ludicrous it is that people never learn, even when it benefits them: it did not take one person’s death when attempting to go down Niagra Falls and [failing to] survive, to make others never try it. No, six more people leaped of[f] the thundering waterfall’s cliff and, yes, all of them died. Oh, and don’t forget the turtle, either; he died too. Obviously, people need more than [just] one event to see what the good idea [even] is.”
What’s in brackets I added as I typed.
The paragraph was an attempt to relate back to the idea of qualifying how “the impact will merely exist for a few weeks–if that.”
I was thinking, “convince others not to try it” would flow better. Also, having a comma after “Falls” and before “and” would also help. The fact you mentioned the turtle /almost/ seemed random, but then I remembered that incident. But who knows who else may know or not know. Just so you know, my mind kind of stumbles over the “thundering waterfall’s cliff”. It’s kind of confusing… Maybe perform surgery on it and make it a little more clear…? I know this is utterly out of order, but ludicrous doesn’t seem to fit in where you have it… Ludicrous means absurd, so you said, “…describes how absurd it is that people never learn…” It almost seems like you are saying that the idea that people never learn is ludicrous. Maybe you should say “…Miracle, describes the fact people never learn…” Or maybe something similar…?
Hope I helped!
((I believe I should just trash my whole essay, but oh well, it’s a learning experience.))
“Perhaps on a less dramatic scale, it’s an aggravation and annoyance. Think what it would be like to run out of something you needed THAT day. Imagine if you ran out of toilet paper and the next house was a few minutes drive away. Nothing could be purchased, but everything could run out: medication, water, dairy, meat, fruits, vegetables, absolutely everything. Not to mention the horrid traffic and road blocks those days. One cannot stop people from leaving their homes just because of some day you can’t buy goods on. Granted some people will be prepared, won’t drive, and will greatly benefit from this day, but that is not the majority.”
I’d probably take out the toilet paper thing, because… well, nobody wants to think about that. XD
A little too casual, perhaps replace “some day you can’t buy goods on” with “a national holiday dedicated to buying nothing….”
As far as essays go, my dear Aurora, the duller the better.
~Shannon (Rouge) F. XD
Try to stay away from using “you” in your paper. Also try not to make the beginning of your sentence so dramatic and clunky, use different words to start your sentences.
In the first sentence, identify what “it” is referring to. Aside from that, make it less dramatic so that “A does not equal Z”
In conclusion Buy Nothing Day is a half baked plan. There are few upsides to the many down. In the long run the thing to do is nothing at all. Spend like you normally do is the best advice.
-Last paragraph, I know really really crappy!!
~Shannon F.
I think if you put a different transition at the beginning of that paragraph it would make it stronger. I would say to expand on all your sentences. Maybe put more of a idea. For example, “There are few upsides to the many down,” that needs more info. What are the upsides and what are the downs. way do the downs over ride the upsides?
For the last sentence you could say something along the lines of “Continue to live the same life you have always lived.” and use something like “There can be some positive and negative out puts to Buy Nothing Day.” for the second sentence.
Try adding some examples in your conclusion and use commentary to expand your thinking a little more. And use a different transition
By having a day were there is no food being bought than stores all over the countryside will be in danger. Many stores depend on a day-to-day purchases. For example, if a small grocery store does not receive the amount of purchase they need to survive then they will face closer. Stores cannot afford a day like this.
I feel that this paragraph can use another concrete detail and commentary. The actual paragraph itself is good with its CD and comentary but I feel that it is too small and standing to much on its own.
Explain more about why stores depend on day-to-day purchases and why the cant afford a day like this, maybe something like how much money the need to get in a day to keep the store running. You could try adding another example like Gary said, that would support what you’re trying to say.
I feel like this first sentence is worded oddly, maybe you could say,” All stores would be in danger on BND, and could not afford to lose customers for that 24 hours.” It seems like the paragraph is giving a certain possibility, but not so much CD.
I feel like there are some good ideas in here, but it’s all opinion. You need some good concrete details and/or statistics to really prove what you’re trying to say. Also, I reread that first sentence at least thirty times… doesn’t flow well, and I’m sill not sure I understand it.
The major companies that would suffer on this day is why our economy would only get worse. Large food companies sell food that will soon expire and without that last day of being able to sell that particular food, they would lose money. Thousands of companies across the states would lose very large amounts of money because their would be no consumers feeding their mouths.
I feel like this is really wordy. So maybe if you use less word and more strong commentary it would help this a lot. And expand more on your ideas.
You have a good idea, you just need to expand. Maybe name a few of the major companies that would suffer? Or a few items that will expire? I’d also advise you to reword the second sentence. It seems a bit wordy and confusing.
The effects of BND for a consumer wanting to buy a product would be simple:just puchase it tomarrow. Of course the intended response of BND are to spread awareness of over-consumption, but in reality most people would go about their day as their norm suggests. consider the hypotheitcal instance of Joe the Family Man. Even if Joe were to know that today is BND he would still try and buy his groceries because his needs are more important then abtract idealsim. Thus a BND’s implications would be minimal and not to the proper efficacy.
Well to be obvious, it’s “tomorrow”, not “tomarrow”. Also it’s “is” and not “are” after the phrase “Of course the intended response of BND”. Capitalize “consider”… “than” not “then”. It feels like you’re on to something, but the idea feels poor defended… Maybe you should try a bit more explaining commentary… A comma would be good after “but in reality”. I’m also confused who, “Joe the Family Man” is… Not sure if this is just a random tidbit or an actually person… Hope this helped…
Put in more commentary about Joe the Family Man to really explain how he relates to your claim.
You need to set up the idea of Joe the Family Man. How you use him and what he stands for is perfect and I can see how it would relate to your opinion on buy nothing day. Yet if you set up a comparison it could work even better. Excellent analogy though
joe the family man was a hypothetical nstance that was explained earlier in my paper, he was not meant to be a concrete detail in this paragaph but more some commnetary tieing in my previous paragraph.
If a family has the money to restock the pantry the we should allow them to do just that. This event was only organized “as a way to increase awareness of excessive consumerism.” All Buy Nothing Day is just so people can think twice about over stocking their shelf’s with excessive food product that a small percent is going to be wasted. So a family should be allowed to stock up on the necessities of food.
I like the middle hunk of the paragraph. But the paragraph ends it a concrete detail. That concrete detail is naked without comentary. Add some comentary explaining why a family should be able to stock their shelves, and then tie it back into why BND would hinder this
I like the idea that you are trying to say but I think that the wording and syntax needs to be played with just a little bit. Like Gary said you also end your paragraph with a concrete detail. If you went more in depth and talked about the small percentage of food that is being wasted could help those in need maybe, or something about how wasted food is detrimental to society, economy, ect..
The evil of corporations is preached by many on a daily basis; someone goes in to a Walmart and there are those who will call them a sinner. People need to take a step back and look at where all their precious money is going. I can guarantee that barely any of it makes its way back across the ocean to the workers living in poverty who create our cheap plastic toys. People need to realize that a Buy Nothing day will cause corporations to lounge around and watch as their profits go no where.
I think the only thing you’re missing in this paragraph is to explain why people need to realize that. Like, why does that matter?
Hope I helped 🙂
yea there is a ton of concrete detail in this paragraph, but little commentary to back it up. it just jumps from idea to idea. take out, in ur opinion, the weakest concrete detail and buff this paragraph up with some commentary roids.
With all this excess shopping comes greater issues. There’s the obesity issue, for one. A nation wonders why their generations are getting fatter when they themselves provide the sweets and beverages all high on fats and sugars right at their children’s finger tips. To the kids, these things have always been there and for just a few measly dollars, they can be theirs. They don’t realize that its possible to go a day without them because its not something asked of them. Though if it is taken from them, perhaps that issue of malnutrition in the form of purchasing the wrong snacks can be lifted, or at least recognized.
I don’t like this paragraph at all. Lacks concrete detail, vague at times, and repetitive without clarification. Dislike, dislike. >~< And could have been worded so much better.
I think you definately need some concrete detail. Information about the effects of obesity could be added to make the argument about childhood obesity stronger. Does this paragraph directly support your thesis?
The positives of a “Buy Nothing Day” might include the effect on producers. The people selling the product have no cause if there is no one to sell to. Marketers will have a new appreciation for their audience and will know how to improve their performance.
China is even assisting the US with our massive debt heap. At what cost though? We are so far in debt to the Chinese that a bail out won’t help us. We need to take it upon ourselves to make a change and become responsible for our spending. Purchasing things made in the US supports our country and puts hard earned dollars back in the pockets of American citizens rather than in foreign bank accounts.
(Sorry it’s so late, I got home half an hour ago.. eek!)